Who let the Calendar out?

Feb. 24Thursday

Calendar used to listen to the radio…10 years ago. It was good, we guess, for like, a day. Then some guy we like to call “Man” (as in, “The”) seduced the medium into broadcasting songs like “Who Let The Dogs Out?” thus prompting legions of pro-sports fans and middle-schoolers alike to bark as if they just got neutered. Then there was that whole “Macarena” thang…how the United Nations didn’t prosecute that crime against humanity, we’ll never know. Have you ever witnessed a Calendar try to commit suicide? It’s not pretty, but man, were we ever close.

Then we saw a light-much like the one on at the Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) show tonight at 7 p.m. billing a band with a name like Killradio. Kill radio? Sorry dudes, we tried. The thing’s got mad bodyguards. With sharks. And lasers. Then again, these poop-punk bad boys are opening for some Seattle-rockers who’ve completed their fair share of the Warped Tour, too: Acceptance. Yeah. Y’all anarchists go have fun, now. Don’t get into too much trouble. Try hard to fit in. Tickets are $12 from Smith’sTix.

However, if your wardrobe has more colors in it than black-on-black-on-black-on-angst, you probably need a different scene to jive with. In case you didn’t know, reggae superstar Alpha Blondie ditched out on his last show at Park City’s Suede (1612 Ute Blvd. at Kimball Junction). But if he does it again? Watch the greatest non-riot to ever go down. What would Alpha Blondie fans do? Smoke him out? Bludgeon him with hackey sacks? We’d be terrified on not upholding our end of the bargain too with that threat. Tickets are $25 from Smith’sTix, Doors at 7 p.m. Suede is a 21-and-older venue.

But what can we say? We’re all for freedom (of the presses, of the masses, of the giraffes), and sometimes a Calendar’s got to do what a Calendar’s got to do. Thank God then, or at least Ron Jeremy, for pornography-that s***’s pure freedom. What, you missed the memo? Pornography: Pure Freedom, a lecture delivered by a man (Michael Leahy) who knows all about the dangers of porn, “goes down” tonight at the Heritage Center, 7 p.m. According to press material, “anyone who can breathe is welcome.” That’s nice of them, but what about porn stars whose silicone breasts cut off all upper-respiratory function? They’re still people too, you know.

Then, why not wash some of that oppressive anti-porn conservative ideology down with a few brewskies? Sounds like a plan to Calendar-every time we see George W. on the tube, we run for the keg-stand. Cheers to You (315 S. Main) has $4 and $5 pitchers (depending on your political leanings) and Cabana Club (31 E. 400 S.) has the only kind of “draft” Calendar wants to know about-the $1 variety.