March 2Wednesday

As it turns out, The Dave Matthews Tribute Band aren’t impersonators. They’re a “tribute band,” which supposedly distinguishes them from the thousands of half-wasted Elvi roaming the streets of Vegas looking for a plane to jump out of (or a handful of Quaaludes-whichever comes first). Tonight at Park City’s Suede (1612 Ute Blvd. at Kimball Junction), we’ll finally have a chance to bring down the wrath of Calendar for some good ole-fashioned revenge on the suckers that wronged us by impersonating the suckers that wronged us with Everyday. Seriously, that album sucked. Tickets for The Dave Matthews Tribute Band are $7 from Smith’sTix outlets; doors open at 7 p.m., the venue is 21 and older.

Speaking of revenge, “America’s Next Top Model” (7 p.m., UPN), whoever she is, is going to have her way with that cupcake she ate when she was seven (“400 calories?! I’ll show you!”) and proceed to choke and die. On her pointer-finger. We’re going to hell for that one.

But what’s wrong with calories, anyway? Calories saved Calendar’s life once-no joke. We were in ‘Nam, and Charlie was raining bullets down all around our ass and s***, and then we got hit and were all like “Aww! Calendar down!” And you know who came to our rescue? Calories. Moral: Calendar loves calories. Calories love your body. Calendar therefore loves your body…er, says you should love your body. You can start now with Love Your Body Week Recovery Panel today from 12-1 p.m. on campus. Don’t say we never did nothin’ for you.

Not good enough of a moral for you? OK, here’s another: Drink responsibly. What? That doesn’t sound like Calendar’s usual line of bulls***. Psssh, shows what you know. We’re all about responsible imbibing. Go train yourself at College Night again at Port O’ Call (78 W. 400 South)-home of the $2.50 Big Ass Mug O’ Beer-and Circle Lounge (328 S. State)-no cover with a valid student ID, $3 Sapporo and $3 Sake Martinis.