Ride with the Calendar

March 7

Monday

In case you didn’t already know, Calendar’s down like Charlie Brown (clown!) with sports of all kinds-big ‘ups to our boy Nehemiah “Bring out the Goon!” Ingram over at Temple-but because they fall under, well, sports, we don’t get our fair share of coverage. Yet, if there just so happens to be something that goes beyond the call of common athleticism into the cryptic, mystical, overstated realms of “art” or “entertainment,” we get to call it out.

This also occurs when there’s simply nothing else to do that day, or whenever A&E Press Manager Chris Whipple staggers into the office too haggard to know the difference between the Utah Opera and his Nalgene filled with “Hangover Cure” (Read: more booze). However, today isn’t one of those days…lord, no. It’s payday. That, and Utah Snowbears Basketball is about to rock your pumps off, G.

Don’t have any idea who the Utah Snowbears are? Neither do we. However, that doesn’t change the fact that the ABA Basketball Team is (A) 25-1, (B) hosting the ABA Championship Playoffs here in Salt Lake City at Salt Lake Community College (Redwood Road Campus) that begins when they (C) face off against the Tijuana Dragons tonight at 7 p.m. Haha, Tijuana Dragons. That joke writes itself. The ABA also has former NBA Star/Gangster-Ass Pimp Dennis Rodman, who plays for the Long Beach Jam, who’ll face off against the Snowbears tomorrow if Long Beach beats the Las Vegas Rattlers the night before. More information is available at UtahSnowbears.Net. Tickets are $8 to each game.

The sports action doesn’t stop there, because tonight is Sadomasochism Night over at the Utah Grizzlies game! While those stiffs over at the E-Center (3200 S. Decker Lake Dr. in West Valley City) won’t officially share our creative designation with tonight’s game against the Hartford Wolfpack, the facts speak for themselves: Hartford is, statistically speaking, the best team in the AHL. Statistically speaking, the Grizzlies blow-at 16-38, they have way more losses than any other AHL Team. Considering that only local hockey fans who’ve now shut out of even a glimmer of hope for an NHL season are going to see a Monday night minor league hockey game…Sadomasochism Night lives. Did you know that blood bounces on ice? You’ll find out soon enough. Tickets range from $7 to $27, but considering the only people there will be S&M freaks and “serious” hockey fans, we suggest paying $7 and just walking down to the Plexiglas so the Grizzlies can see that they have at least two or three supporters as they’re being smeared against it.

Those weirdo’s over at Kilby Court (741 S. 330 West) managed to book Dexter Danger, along with Rated Hero and For The Moment for tonight’s showing of indie rock that starts at 7 p.m., Dexter Danger used to work for the CIA, but they disavowed him after his explosive pocket-protector set off a llama stampede that led to revealing several other secret agents’ identites/deaths-by-llamaing. What? You don’t know what it’s like to be llama’d? You don’t want to. Really. You can’t even imagine. Tickets are $7 at the door.

If you can’t bring yourself to watch a bunch of toked-out ballers from TJ Artest-ing into the stands for munchies, the worst hockey team in America taking it…hard…in a very uncomfortable place (…like the E-Center…), or Kilby’s bi-nightly no-name indie-rock freak show, then there’s always television to soothe your soul into submission. Tonight on NBC, from the producers of “Survivor” and “The Apprentice,” comes “The Contender,” a reality show about boxers. One of the contestants, after being eliminated on the show, tragically killed himself in an event “unrelated” to the series’ outcome. There’s also Showtime, which will be premiering its show, “Fat Actress,” starring Kirsty “Look Who’s Hungry Now” Alley as-get this-a fat actress. People: new lows are the new highs.

Calendar out.