The Sun Also Calendars

March 9

Wednesday

There are tons of misconceptions people have about Calendar (Calendar likes jam music, Calendar is married to a former KGB spy named Elvira, Calendar eats moose for breakfast, etc.), but probably the most common misconception people have is that calendar is fundamentally anti-greek.

What’s that all about? Calendar loves fraternities/sororities. Hell, as far as we’re concerned, paying for friends is totally legit-in fact, Calendar believes that only rich people deserve to have friends. Money can’t buy happiness, but who ever said it can’t by a wingman or two?

Although Calendar isn’t opposed to the economic exchange of friends, we do believe that the greek system, at least at the U, could use a little sprucing up. We mean, how many “mixers” and “formals” can people attend before they start gauging out their eyes with pledge pins (answer: four).

Calendar has a few suggestion: Sigma Nu “Ice Wrestling with Penguins” night, Chi Omega “Bobbing for Poisonous and/or Explosive Apples” extravaganza and, how can we forget, the ever-popular Delta Gamma “Prank Phone Calls to Highly Placed Government Officials” slumber party? Those things are priceless. Luckily, one sorority is well ahead of Calendar in terms of adding a little spice to the whole Greek system: Alpha Chi Omega Grizzlies Night, 7 to 9 p.m. at the E center for $17, where Calendar can only hope a few unfortunate souls will be eaten by large bears. We’d totally pay to see something like that.

Sorry. That wasn’t very diplomatic of us-Calendar’s therapist tells us that we need to work on our “people skills,” which we interpret to mean that we need to piss fewer people off. But, then again, Calendar is what it is, and no amount of couch-talk is going to change us. You don’t know Calendar! We do what we want! Anyway, Dr. Shrunkenhead over at Student Services is mandating that Calendar attend the U.S. Public Diplomacy in the Middle East lecture with Dennis Ross today from 3 to 4:30 p.m. in the Utah Museum of Fine Arts.

Wait, wait, wait…U.S. diplomacy? That still exists? Could have fooled Calendar.

Know where Calendar couldn’t go to get a good learnin’ in the ways of diplomacy? We’ll give you a hint: It’s a small town in Colorado where turkeys have become zombies, where Mel Gibson, J.Lo and Ben Affleck have all made incredibly large asses of themselves and where one small red-hooded little boy can’t seem to stay alive. Oh yeah, and apparently some garbage-headed dudes in Canada are pissed at them too. Give up? Check out the season premier of South Park on Comedy Central tonight at 8 p.m. and again at 10 p.m.

Then, once we’ve finished with all that obligatory crap, it’s time for Calendar to head out on the tow to do what we do best: Discourage people from drinking alcohol. Seriously.

See, we can almost hear you smirking at this point. Again, what’s with that? This is another one of those misconceptions people have about Calendar-we’re not the binge-drinking, liver-busting, life-forgetting alcoholics that we’re made out to be in the media. No, no, no-that’s our Press Manager, C.D. Whipple, who, as of last week, officially holds the world record for most beers consumed before 10 a.m. (134, in case you were wondering. The kid’s incredible).

In honor of Whipple’s dedication to his own untimely demise (see, we’re saying drinking kills you. Don’t misread us…please) we’d like to highlight the following events:

College Night at Port O’ Call (400 S. State St.), $2.50 Big Ass Mug

College Night at Circle Lounge (328 S. State St.), $3 Sapporo and Sake Martini’s.