March 10

Thursday

Calendar gets a lot of fan mail. No lie-each and every day, we are barraged by our enumerable followers and worshipers. It’s really kind of obscene. Granted, these letters, in their entirety, are post-marked from the Jesusfreakheavensgate Cult in Moroni, Utah…but hey, we take what we can get.

So, as not to seem ungrateful and risk losing the men and women that comprise what we’ve affectionately come to call “entourage,” the other day Calendar brewed-up a little competition to see just who loves us the most (yes, we’re that insecure). Consisting of gauntlet-running, raw sewage-swimming and Elk-crap eating, the competition was a long and peregrine journey for all involved.

Long story short, after months of rigorous examination (meaning we sat around and ate pizza while a bunch of trained monkeys tabulated the results…and played Scrabble. Those monkeys kick ass at Scrabble), we chose a winner. Tonight, for a limited time only, catch Calendar’s Number One Fan, playing with Suburban Legends at Lof-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) at 7 p.m. Tickets are $10.

Oh wait: We are kidding. The only mail Calendar receives is from psychopaths in the state penitentiary (who keep referring to us as “sweetheart” for some disconcerting reason) and our mother-she’s a sweet old bag.

“Gee Calendar, why do you go off on these unnecessary tangents, then?” we can hear you asking. You want the short answer? We like hearing ourselves speak. Long live our voice! Or for our Spanish readers who get Calendar in subtitles, Viva Voce, tonight at Kilby Court, tickets available at the door, venue opens at 7 p.m.

Calendar really is all for the protection of the freedom of expression-can’t you tell? Our little events-listing heart just gets all aflutter at the sight of some weirdo doing something freakin’ weird in order to “make himself better understood” (by who, we can’t really tell you). As such, expect to see Calendar front and center at tonight’s live modern dance performance featuring Pilobus Two at 7:30 p.m. As far as we can tell from the posters, the whole deal with this performance has to do with a grip of guys and girls piling on top of one poor foundational sucker, who then proceeds to try and walk around. Brilliant! Tickets are $22 general admission, $8 students, and free for Calendar. Haha.

But what’s so ironic is that Calendar, though bestowed with free admission to every event of our choice (perks of being a Calendar…oh wait, we’re lying again) will not be attending this one. No, no we’ll be doing something much, much more productive with our time: Watching TV. Tonight join Calendar for the brain-suck-a-thon featuring “Power Girls” on MTV at 8:30 p.m. and “Hollow Man” at 8:30 p.m. on Comedy Central.

OK, OK-we swear that was the last time we’ll lie to you. Today. We’re not going to be watching TV. See, normally, we would be, but tonight’s special-tonight the one and only organic emcee Lyrics Born will enlighten the hip-hop crowd at Ego’s (668 S. State) at 8 p.m. for $14.

Now if you’ll excuse us, Calendar has some unfinished business to attend to: Those damn trained monkeys have unionized and they’re demanding more bananas. What do they think they are, chimps!?