Student Body President AlexLowe’s ego exploded yesterday,killing one and injuringfive others who stood nearby.The blast occurred shortlyafter a 1 p.m. lunch appointmentwith Dean of StudentsStayner Landward, who toldLowe he wasn’t “all that.”Reports from the bombsquad indicate the explosionwas long overdue.”This was one of the biggestegos I’ve seen in my 35 years ofwork,” said Tom Garland, chiefof the bomb squad. “We’re reallylucky that this one didn’tgo off when there were morepeople around.”The explosion killed Lowe’sloyal Vice President BobbyHarrington, who was amongthose comforting and complimentingLowe after Landwardmade his statement. Five otherssuffered only minor injuries.”You don’t know how hard itis to lose Bobby,” Lowe said intears. “He was exceptional atmaking me look good. Who amI going to poke fun of in frontof others now?”Lowe’s relationship withHarrington dates back to elementaryschool. There, the twoincessantly practiced the option-a football play that givesthe quarterback the option topitch the ball to his halfback-in hopes of dominating the localflag football scene.”We usually would play aleague below our own becauseit felt really good towin every game,” Lowe said.”There was one year I rushedfor probably, I don’t know,10,000 yards? Bobby was apretty good decoy, but theselegs of mine are really whatgot the j ob done.”Lowe’s co-workers said theywill miss Harrington, but notLowe’s ego.”I’m thinking this means Iwon’t have to get down on myknees and end every sentencewith ‘O thou most attractive,wise and not balding’ wheneverI offer a suggestion anymore,”said Patrick Barnes,chief of staff for the AssociatedStudents of the University ofUtah.”Maybe Alex will start treatingpeople like people insteadof dogs. That’s my hope, anyway,”said Sara Hogan, seniorclass president.Lowe’s parents, however,said they feared the loss oftheir son’s ego could jeopardizehis chances of getting intoan Ivy League school like hisbrother before him.”I didn’t give Alex all thatcampaign money for nothing.He had better get into Harvardat least, or some heads are goingto roll,” Lowe’s fa ther said.Though Lowe will now haveto function as president withoutthe ego he had been buildingfor years, he is c onfident hecan adjust.”It’s weird. I know I have animportant position, but I don’thave that urge to talk down topeople anymore. It’s as if theywere my equals, my friends,”he said.Funeral services for Harringtonwill be held April 3 inthe Union Free Speech areafollowing a 10 a.m. press conferenceLowe organized tooutline his administration’s [email protected]
Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle’s annual April Fool’s Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical…in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don’t call your lawyers.