College Republicans split…again

By By Bip Artisan

By Bip Artisan

The U’s College Republicans havesplit for the second time in as manyyears.The formation of a new faction wasannounced following a heated debateabout Social Security Thursdayat the Union, during which CollegeRepublican-U Chapter President,Danielle Fowles, threw her chair atthe moderator, Congressman JimMatheson, D-Utah, then stood nearthe podium to “cool off.”The event then took an even moredramatic turn as a member of theaudience in the Hinckley CaucusRoom tossed a full pitcher of complimentaryorange juice at an alreadysteamed Fowles. She reactedby sprinting out into the crowd anddelivering a whopping right hookacross an innocent bystander’s rightcheek.”I wasn’t expecting it, I just stoodthere in awe as she charged towardme,” said a bleeding Professor of politicalscience Tim Chambless. “Inall my years of political involvementI’ve never seen anything like this.”Longtime Utah Pollster and InterimDirector of the Hinckley Instituteof Politics, Dan Jones, whoactually threw the orange juice, saidhe avoided the altercation by turningand improvising an intellectualconversation with fellow attendeeand Dean of the College of Law, Scott Matheson Jr.

Indiana Pacers star Ron Artest will be speaking to Fowles and fellow U chapter Republicans next week to address “Coping with anger.” Artest accepted the U’s invitation as part of his community service-hours requirement that resulted from his 2004 brawl with Detroit Piston Ben Wallace and several Pistons fans.

Jim Matheson attempted to stop the fight from the podium with a white-knuckle grip on the edge of the wooden partition and a firm finger pointed at the center of the scuffle.

“Stop it! This isn’t how we solve things,” Matheson said. “You will be punished. Do you want us to restart nuclear testing in Utah? I’ll do it!”

Fowles was unavailable for comment following the brawl as campus police officers escorted her away from Orson Spencer Hall. Police officers showed up 25 minutes after the fight was instigated and blamed their delay on the faulty emergency station outside OSH.

Several faithful College Republican-U Chapter members followed Fowles out, but were met with boos and showered with garbage as they ducked out of the Caucus Room.

Fowles’ fellow College Republican-U Chapter member Ryan Geertsen commented on her behalf.

“This is why we need guns on campus,” Geertsen said. “I think our experiences here today are becoming all too typical of the political environment and we need to solve it. With guns.”

Geertsen said that, due to a disagreement among College Republicans-U Chapter members in the verbal Social Security debate, he and several of his fellow members would be splitting from Fowles’ faction.

“We’ve reached a point that is less than beneficial for inter-U chapter relations,” Geertsen said. “We can get more done if there aren’t underlying, unresolved issues among our members. Some of us have decided to form ‘College Republicans U Chapter One, Verse Two.'”

And it came to pass that Geertsen said he would begin recruiting next week at the Latter-day Saints Institute of Religion building.

Meanwhile, representatives from the U’s College Democrats sipped coffee and discussed how they would launch a multi-pronged campaign against three different organizations of Republicans.

“I don’t think we have too much to worry about,” said Vice President of College Democrats Jack Lewis. “I think I got some pulp in my eye from that orange juice incident, but as a group we’re going to be alright.”

College Democrats President Breanne Miller said the Republicans approached the fight all wrong.

“Ms. Fowles should have gone through other avenues before resulting to this maniacal unilateral approach to the situation,” Miller said. “Typical Republicans.”

Though the brawl was unique in Utah politics, similar events have occurred throughout history on a national scale, though the more dramatic events occurred in the 17th and 18th centuries.

The most recent exchange occurred April 9, 1997, when Rep. David Obey, D-Wisconsin, and Rep. Tom Delay, R-Texas, resorted to name calling and shoving in the main aisle of the House floor before a staff member intervened. The two were apparently at odds over references to a newspaper article critical of Delay.

In 1789, two members brawled on the House floor using a cane and a fire tong, and in 1793, a House Member responded to a lingering dispute with a former Member by challenging him to a duel outside of the Capitol and killing him. Danielle Fowles can e-mail the author at

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Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle’s annual April Fool’s Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical…in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don’t call your lawyers.