Donny finds his Technicolor dream job at the U

By By Rainbow Brite, , and

By Rainbow Brite

The Board of Trustees shocked the U community on Thursday with their decision to fire President Michael Young and replace him with Utah-native and Broadway star Donny Osmond.

Student leaders had mixed reactions to the news.

When told of the Trustees’ decision, ASUU Vice President Bobby Harrington’s eyes lit up with glee.

“Donny! Ooh, it would be an honor to work with him. I mean, President Young was nice and all…but Donny. Wow.”

Unlike Harrington, Senior Class President Sara Hogan was less than enthusiastic about the selection.

“The U is a commuter campus,” she said. “We need to be worrying about things like revitalizing campus activities. At face value, it might seem like a good idea to hire someone famous, but come on-Donny Osmond?”

Student body president, Alex Lowe, however, was incensed by the suggestion that Donny would put a damper on campus life.

“Marie’s the one’s that a little bit country-Marie! Donny’s all rock and roll, baby.”

Ex-president Young was unavailable for comment.

Former U president Bernie Machen was contacted at the University of Florida about the 1970s pop icon filling his shoes.

“Damn. I’m so sick and tired of Donny, Donny, Donny. Everyone knows that Jimmy is the most talented [Osmond], but he always gets the shaft.”

It seems that most students share Hogan’s and Machen’s pessimism despite enthusiastic supporters like Lowe and Harrington.

U student Emma Humphries seemed confused by the selection. “Donny Osmond? Did he even go to college?”

Newly appointed president Osmond never did attend an institution of higher education. He also has no political or administrative experience. This fact has many students at the U scratching their heads.

“Why would they fire President Young to hire Donny Osmond?” freshman James Andrews asked.

Alex Lowe’s response: “Why wouldn’t they?”

Osmond, the middle-aged crooner best known for hit songs such as “Soldier of Love,” has been looking for new employment ever since his syndicated game show “Pyramid” came to an end.

It remains unclear whether Donny actually applied for consideration last year or if he was randomly selected by the Board of Trustees. Donny himself was unavailable for comment.

Still, Harrington and Lowe remain optimistic.

“Donny would be amazing at getting our interests more attention at the State Legislature. Tuition would never go up again. I mean, who’s going to say ‘no’ to Donny?” Harrington pointed out.

When Hogan brought up the point that women make up a small percentage of state legislators, Lowe waved his hand derisively.

“The twinkle in Donny’s eye could seduce anyone, my friend. Anyone,” he said.

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