Cougar fans, are you anxiously awaiting next season when the new look Utes take on Bronco Mendenhall’s re-tooled BYU team? Are you frothing at the mouth to get a chance at revenge for last season’s obliteration?
Well, unfortunately, you are in for a big letdown.
The NCAA announced Thursday that the Utes have accumulated enough “frequent beat down points” to earn a complimentary victory over the Cougars in football next season.
“It is very rare for a school to show so much domination over their rival,” NCAA commissioner Miles Brand said. “But facts are facts, and Utah has more than earned it.”
With the Utes dominating the Cougars in virtually every sport this year, the Utes had earned enough points for the top prize very quickly.
“It doesn’t bother me in the slightest,” said Tom Holmoe, BYU athletic director. “Our men’s volleyball and women’s cross country team are our cash cows.”
When it was pointed out that BYU actually loses money on those sports, Holmoe replied, “What, are you racist against cows?”
This is only the third time that a school has earned this many points against its rival, and the first time it has happened with Division I schools. Previous winners are D-III Michigan Tech, who won a free win in hermaphrodite water polo over Quadriplegic State and D-II’s Southern Alaska, who is the proud owner of a coupon for an equestrian victory over rival St. Augustine’s School for the Recently Deceased.
Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle’s annual April Fool’s Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical…in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don’t call your lawyers.