Where is the department of pre-med?

By By Ty P. Call

By Ty P. Call

Get a vision!

I hate people who are always asking me what my “real” major is. If I say I’m pre-med, then that’s what I am. What the hell makes people think they have the right to ask what I’m studying now?

I, like hundreds of thousands of other students across the country, am planning on joining the ranks of the few hundred medical students after I graduate.

Even though I’m only a freshman, it’s completely unrealistic to assume my interests will change four years from now. So if I say I’m pre-med, then accept that dammit!

My friend is pre-law and if pressed he’ll succumb to societal pressure and say he’s majoring in political science.

First, people need to be more sensitive and realize it’s none of anyone’s business what someone is majoring in. All that really matters is what someone thinks they’d like to do four years from now if they achieve a perfect GPA.

Second, my friend needs to get a backbone. There’s nothing wrong with identifying yourself by where you think you’d like to be in the future instead of what you are now.

My sister has the right idea. When asked her name and address, she says Tiffany Pitt and Malibu. It’s not important that the U has a better chance of beating Kentucky than my 13-year-old sister has of marrying Brad Pitt.

In fact, I’m never going to give pertinent or useful information about myself again. If you ask me a question, I’ll tell you what I’d like to do in the future.

Therefore, I request all my teachers now refer to me as Sen. Ty. On my driving record I’m going to claim I drive a Hummer.

I’m pre-president of the U, pre-husband of Ute baton twirler, pre-father of five, pre-Rogaine customer, pre-grumpy old fart.

Maybe if biology were a more prestigious major I’d confess to majoring in it when I graduate along with the other one in ten freshmen that stay in school.

It’s not that I’m trying to impress chicks or want people to look at my disheveled brown hair and wire-rim glasses and say, “Oh, he must be smart” when I say I’m pre-med. No, it’s genuinely more accurate to predict the future.

Specifying that I hope to join the top one percentile of science students who get admitted to medical school is too bothersome.

Pre-med is my major. That’s what I put on my application to run for ASUU office. That’s what I told the Bennion Center people after joining a service club and then never actually performing service. It’s just easier that way. I’m already committed.

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Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle’s annual April Fool’s Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical…in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don’t call your lawyers.