I want to Calendar all night

April 8FridayOne would think that any genre of music in which the official dance stylings of choice are rooted in the word “skank” would have more to do with gunshots and gangsters than trombones and happy-go-lucky nonchalance. Ah, but no: there was a time when Ska was actually considered a legitimate offshoot of reggae as opposed to a forum for a bunch of whip-clean middle-schoolers to make asses of themselves in worship over band members like those in The Aquabats, who dress up like a bunch of methamphetamine-tweaked-rats-cum-superheroes for every show. We can only imagine how The Specials, who practically started the genre, feel about such offshoots of an offshoot-awful. Maybe they’ll exorcise the demons tonight when their Park City show at Suede (1612 Ute Blvd.) goes down at 7 p.m. Tickets are $14 from Smith’sTix, and the show is a “21 and older” gig to keep The Aquafreaks and their devoted legions of weirdoes/fans the hell out.

Speaking of middle school: remember having to run those relay races? Calendar was the kid who took the baton…and threw it at somebody’s head. Relay races weren’t exactly our thing. Neither were batons. We run when we’re being chased, and that’s about it. Which is why putting together a charity event named “Relay For Life” wasn’t the worst idea. The charity event, sponsored by Colleges for Cancer in association with the American Cancer Society, will be going down tonight on the Marriott Plaza from 6 p.m. to midnight, as they’ve promised “food and fun” in addition to raising money for cancer research. For the record: Joe Camel’s appearance has been axed…

…both at the “Relay for Life” and the ballet department’s “Character Dance Ensemble,” which runs from 7:30-9:30 p.m. at the Marriott Center for Dance tonight. Others axed from the “Character Dance Ensemble”: the Poncho the Paint Huffer, Betty the Bulimic Ballerina, Ron Jeremy, Star Jones-Reynolds and The Game.

April 9SaturdayThe men who put the “scare” in “mascara,” KISS, will not be playing Salt Lake City tonight. Their living-breathing-eating devotee brethren, the KISS tribute band Firehouse 4, however, will be! Granted, Saturday night’s Hard Rock Caf performance (505 Trolley Sq.) might not be the same thing as going to see an actual KISS show, but if you managed to get wasted enough to set your eyebrows on fire and mistake one of the members of Firehouse 4 for a woman, thus ending up “unintentionally” passing on some “groupie love,” we guess it would significantly contribute to the authenticity of what would be a “real” KISS experience. We guess.

April 10SundayCalendar’s father always explained “Soilwork” to us as something we shouldn’t divulge to government officials and “Dark Tranquility” to us as, well…death. Labeling the man paranoid or morbid would be an understatement. A vast one. Soilwork and Dark Tranquility play Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) tonight at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $20 from Smith’sTix, the show starts at 7:30 p.m.