A crooked Calendar walks a crooked mile

April 11Monday

Calendar’s “to do” list while in the European Alps: Find the “Reeeeee-coh-laaaaaa!” guy-kick his ass; find those Nazi brats from “The Sound of Music”-kick their asses; find the Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate girl, sweep her (and her mini-marshmallow stash) off her feet, find her boyfriend-kick his ass. The University Travel Film Series screens “Europe’s Alps” tonight in Kingsbury Hall (1395 E. Presidents’ Circle) at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $6.50, available at all ArtTix outlets or the Kingsbury Hall Box office.

Most people hear “Mastodon,” and they probably think of some big, smelly, hairy prehistoric pseudo-elephant who couldn’t have done much in the realm of expediting evolutionary processes for anyone except WWF fans, who clearly haven’t gone so far over the (millions of) years. Fortunately, some killer asteroid put that gangly beast out of its misery some time ago. Incidentally, the same evolutionary tact (or lack thereof) applies to the musical relevance of hardcore-bleeding-throat-metal band Mastodon, who’re playing tonight in Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) at 7:30 p.m., but who’ve yet to put music critics out of their misery. Tickets are $12 from Smith’sTix.

Decisions, decisions: Seeing as how we’re (broke and) trailblazing the retro-media-format trend in rallying against the DVD (because we need to get this priceless footage of A&E Editor Eryn Green mounting an Emu out somehow…it’s too hilarious not to: You ever seen someone get rejected by an Emu?), we have but one question for our readers: VHS or BETA? Granted, most BETA players went the way of the Mastodon (once again, only the animal…sadly) a good while back, but the tapes carry one brilliant feature neither VHS nor DVD can lay claim to: doubling as an ingenious instrument to bludgeon some unsuspecting houseguest, like your shady Uncle Sal. VHS or BETA are playing the Urban Lounge (241 S. 500 East) tonight at 10 p.m. Tickets are $12 at the door or at 24Tix.com outlets everywhere.

See, but the reason Calendar rallies against DVD has little to do with an inherently anti-modern stance-no, no, Calendar loves technology (it’s the only way we can get a date. God bless Mormonmatch.com), it’s just that, after typing out oh-so-may of these classic Calendars, we’re developed a metacarpal condition that renders us unable to use the standard DVD remote. It’s really kind of tragic-we pop the popcorn and open the Ben & Jerry’s, settle into watch “The Notebook” (all you haters can f*** right off at this point…you know you all have a thing for Ryan Gossling) and our damn Crooked Fingers just mash themselves against the remote. Sometimes we’re lucky enough to hit the pause/play button, but usually our efforts just get us some Pakistani subtitles. We speak Hebrew. Maybe you can have better luck catching The Crooked Fingers and Dolorean tonight at the Velvet Room (155 W. 200 South) at 7:30 p.m. for $10. Or maybe you can just go to hell. That’s funny, right?