Love as a stripper?

Nothing says “I love you” quite like taking your clothes off in front of someone.

No, I’m not talking about snooping around with nothing but a dirty trench coat and flashing innocent bystanders a la Pee Wee Herman. That’s a crime. And I’m not talking about taking it all off for a bunch of drunkards at the dark and dingy strip bar, either. That’s just sad.

What I’m referring to is good, old-fashioned stripping with class. It is the kind that even a grandmother would be proud to boast about to her cronies over a game of Rummikub. It is this type of stripping that students at this campus could use a little more of.

That is why my friend (from here on out known as “Tarzan”) and I decided to perform a service Thursday night for seven deserving women.

We spent hours during the past couple of weeks planning what would become the dance that could bring any female from cold and aloof to hot and bothered in a matter of four minutes.

I remember listening with a careful ear to several potential song selections. We needed one with tempo and beats that could maximize and fully complement the broad range of moves we had been experimenting with.

After passing over several popular hip-hop selections, we settled on “Alright” by Jamiroquai for its slow, sensual rhythms (perfect for sexy poses) juxtaposed with hard-hitting dance beats (just right for nearly any move involving the pelvis).

Once we knew what we would be dancing to, we went straight to the provocative task of choreography.

Now, some critics might be tempted to pose, “What’s so hard about putting a striptease together? You move around a bit and you throw your clothes to the ground.” But believe me, there was nothing easy about incorporating a total of 25 unique moves requiring more than 80 pelvic movements in a creative way in less than five minutes.

After a few laughs and a bit of sweat, we ended up with spectacular power moves such as “The Triple V,” (so named because of the V-shape our thrusting hips and reclining torsos make around three women’s heads, three times each) “The Horny Rabbit” and “Sluts in Suspenders.”

The time came to pull out the uniforms, dim the lights and grease up the bodies. It was time to perform.

Originally, Tarzan and I were expecting to dance for three. When we answered knocks at the door of my apartment, we were surprised to see four additional women who didn’t know they were about to see two guys strip down to their skivvies.

They found out real fast.

The element of surprise seemed to work in our favor. Faces became flushed and heart rates ran high. Frequent gasps were the only outlet for raw, turned-on emotion. We had to open the door to let some air in. Before they knew it the pleasure-fest was over, and the women let us know how they felt with cheers and invitations to perform at future functions.

The experience, for me, was even better than the first time I stripped with Tarzan to C & C Music Factory’s “Gonna Make You Sweat” at a bachelorette party about a year ago.

I just hope we can preserve the quality of Thursday’s masterpiece for our next gig.

Send me an E-mail if you’re interested.

[email protected]