Friends with benefits isn’t always a straight line

By and

Dear Danni,

I sure know how to pick ’em.

My best friend is hot, charming, funny and smart. He totally knows what I need and when I need it. Here’s the catch: He’s gay.

Danni, I know I can’t have a crush on him, but I can’t help the way I feel. I wish things were different. I mean we hang out all the time. We sleep in the same bed, we make dinner, go out. It’s driving me crazy and I am surprised he hasn’t picked up on any of this.

Danni, I’m in way over my head, here. Please help!

Dear “Will and Grace,”

Isn’t that just the cruelest twist of fate?

You’ve finally found someone who meets all of your emotional needs, wants to go shopping with you, has amazing fashion sense-but also gets aroused just as you do by Brad Pitt’s stomach in “Fight Club.”

Fabulous. The one man who isn’t interested in seeing you in your Victoria’s Secret V-string is the one you like. Someone upstairs is having a good laugh right now.

But don’t get your lingerie in a bunch just yet-you can and should have your sexual needs met, just not by him.

Honey, there are more than enough eligible phalluses to go around, I promise.

What’s nice and convenient about your situation is that you already have the man of your dreams as a model to draw from.

Through this friendship, you have been fortunate enough to realize and clarify what you want in a man: Sense of humor, fashion sense and culinary skills are of high value to you.

You also now know that a high frequency of sexual attraction and emotional connection must be present for you to feel fulfilled.

You now must recognize that these last two points are unobtainable through your friendship.

As is “Do not pass go, do not collect $200.” You know, a deal breaker.

But all is not lost. You are now equipped with knowledge most of us in the dating scene are still missing-a clear paradigm.

Information is power. You should consider yourself ahead of the game.

You must now transpose the feelings of trust and love that you experience in your friendship into a romantic relationship with someone else. Accept nothing less.

I wish every woman could have a friendship such as yours to draw from. Maybe we’d see fewer talented and beautiful women dragging those famous “Chads” behind them.

The second part of my counsel is something of a harsh reality check.

Fact: The object of your romantic interest is homosexual. You will never get the desired physical response from placing an “insert here” sticker bellow your navel.

Don’t think that he-not because he’s gay, but because he’s intuitive-isn’t aware of your feelings. He’s emotionally tuned in, yes? Give him a little credit.

All this aside, my verdict, as usual, comes down to open communication.

Any clearing conversation between two people sharing a common goal is always a good thing-even if you find yourself screaming the word “ass****” repeatedly and throwing blunt objects at one another.

The fact is that you need to level with him. If nothing else, you two can share a good laugh at the irony of it all. Honesty is such a rare virtue in a person, especially when it involves having to be in the hot seat. But, if your friend is anywhere near your descriptions, I would imagine he’ll respond with utter compassion.

As for your search for “the one, ” be prepared to have your ideal of a man modify and change over time. As you learn from life experience, and allow people into your path, life has a funny way of turning things around.

If dating has taught me anything at this point, it’s that sometimes you don’t realize what your type is until it’s sitting right across the table from you.

You may have a list, or a concept, or a look in mind. But in the end, you only learn by doing.

And, as a rule of thumb, stick to the ones that can actually “do” you back.

Oh yeah, and the hot ones are always gay.

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