Monday, May 23

Is it just Calendar, or does the Stone Age share some striking similarities with the modern age?Archaic misogynistic Neanderthals dragging subjugated women around by the hair (under threat of club)? Banal ape-like creatures amazed by the fact they’ve created fire and/or the wheel (one of which was undoubtedly by accident)? Primitive bipedal creatures scratching themselves and drinking fermented organic material, as decaying animal bits dangle grotesquely from their mouth-breathing jaws? Sounds a whole lot like NASCAR to Calendar.At least some people see where we’re coming from-Josh “My Friends Call Me Ug” Homme and his Queens of the Stone Age bring the prehistoric rock bludgeoning to In the Venue (219 S. 600 West) at 7 p.m. for $25.

Oh man…rock bludgeoning. That was a priceless pun right there.But wait, what’s that you say? You don’t like Calendar’s puns? You think we’re the primitive bipedal apes? Your mother looks like the out-end of a triceratops with a bad Paleolithic stomach flu?Sorry, we can’t really understand you-it sounds like you’re speaking German or something. If that is the language of the Fatherland, Calendar and our Jew-fro might not be the best company for you-maybe tonight you can find some like-minded souls at The Nein show at at Kilby Court (741 S. 330 West) for $6, with the most grammatically querulous special guests ever: Peachcake, person and monster! Tuesday, May 24

Calendar has been feeling too much like an old maid lately-all of our friends are starting to get married, and we’re just not so good at catching that bouquet, if you know what we mean. Do you? Do you know what we mean? Huh?Maybe we ought to join that one religion…oh, what’s it called? Come on, help us out here: It’s really popular around these parts…it’s centered in that weird white castle thing downtown…multiple celestial kingdoms…multiple wives. Crap, It’s totally slipping our mind. Either way, as soon as we remember it, we’re totally joining-Calendar hears that they have “wards” for people like us just looking for that special somebody/to get laid.But Calendar’s memory ain’t what it used to be, and there’s a good chance we won’t remember the name of the above unnamed religion (largely so that we can’t be sued by its legion of unnamed lawyers). Oh well, at least we can always watch another couple live happily-ever-after, as reality TV’s “Rob and Amber Get Married” airs on CBS this evening at 8 p.m.

Ugh, the thought of a reality-TV wedding for a reality-TV couple on reality-TV just makes Calendar shudder-it’s just so depressive and melancholic to think that life has gotten so bad we have to endure it vicariously. In fact, it’s more than melancholic: It’s Millencollin, with Boys Night Out, at In The Venue (219 S. 600 West) tonight at 6:30 p.m. for $14.

Now, if you’ll excuse us, Calendar has some bananas to melt. No, seriously, we do-the spazziest of spazz/chaos/punk bands from Japan, Melt Banana, plays at Kilby Court (741 S. 300 West) tonight at 7 p.m. Tickets at the door.