June 8

Friday

So Calendar in the past has been accused of being insensitive, amoral, anti-feminine, anti-Semitic, anti-Mormon and, more often than even we expected, the antichrist.

What’s the deal? It’s just funny for us to think that a Bible-thumping, female, Jewish, Jesus-like, Hallmark-junky events listing such as ourselves could be so misunderstood-come on guys, it’s not like we’re freakin’ Oprah here or anything. That succubus is TRULY demonic…oh man, now we’re racists, too, huh?

Well, so be it: Calendar is now officially starting the “We Hate Everyone, Everything, Your Mom and Even Pretty Sunsets” movement. As you might imagine, it will include a great deal of hating-playa’ hating, hatin’ the game, hatin’ on sucka emcees, etc.

That’s right kiddies: You name it, we hate it. In fact, if you join right now by calling the toll-free number flashing in your Calendar (1-800-We-Hate-You), you can receive the ever-popular “We hate blue skies, the sun and unimaginably cute puppies” package (as seen on late-night TV) for the low, low price of $Hate-99. But act fast! Supplies are limited!

Wait, what are we talking about? Our supply of hate is endless. It’s like a black hole of hate-we don’t know where stuff goes once it gets sucked in, but nothing escapes. Still, we understand that hating so many things at one time can be daunting-how do you, dear Calendar reader (whom we hate), keep track of everything despised?

Well, since we hate confusion as much as we hate making sense, we’re devising a list to keep things at once orderly and chaotic. Here, in an order we devised based only on how much we hate order, is the first-ever Calendar’s List of the Hated.

No. 1) Calendar hates unnecessarily angry people and the music they make.

Although it may seem paradoxical for a Calendar filled with so much hate to hate the similarly hate-filled, we don’t care-they suck and we think they need to go eat the cheese out of Martha Stewart’s butt.

What’s the logic in the anger? Does it get you laid? Laid angrily? Is there rage-induced cuddling afterward? Malicious pillow talk? Well, whatever, we hate you, and it’s about time you cheer up agro-kid-we advise hating the Drowning Pool, Dry Kill Logic and Opiate for the Masses Show tonight at Lo-Fi Caf (265 S. 600 West) at 7 p.m. It worked for us, we’re elated right now. Tickets are free if you punch the bouncer in the face-trust us, we tried. We hate him too.

No. 2) Calendar hates arbitrary abbreviations and people too dumb to spell their own (band) name.

Do you guys really think that by avoiding all those querulous vowels and consonants, we’ll just forget the fact that you’re an idiot? Oh wait, sorry, we forgot you’re a moron: You probably did think that, huh? That’s cute, and by cute, we mean we hate you.

So, when we see that C-Rayz Walz, J-Live and Vast Aire (of Cannibal Ox) are playing together at The Velvet Room (200 S. 155 West) tonight at 7 p.m., we can do only so many things: Laugh at the fact that, between three bands, not one managed to spell their name, unlike our 3-month-old sister would, then vomit, then laugh again, then vomit, then laugh and vomit at exactly the same time (which is really funny, as it turns out), then cry ourselves to sleep with salty tears of hate because society is so totally screwed and everyone knows it.

No. 3) Calendar hates when there is so little going on that we’re forced to create unfunny diatribes, such as the one you’re reading, lest we be fed to the deadline lions.

Yes, they actually exist-they’re big, mean, have sharp teeth and are uncannily well versed in grammar and AP style. Does it get any scarier? We think not-and we ought to know, having survived the scary wilds of Africa, the mortifying depths of any Will Ferrell movie ever made and the sight of ourselves when we look in the mirror after having written some of the (albeit hilarious) crap we admittedly have.

So, instead of facing our editors, we just construct these schizophrenic bitch-and-moan therapy sessions for our own mental health, your readerly enjoyment, and the senseless killing of trees.

Oh yeah, and The Headphones are playing at the Velvet Room (200 S. 155 West) at 7 p.m. We hate them too, in case you were wondering.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go drown ourselves in a bathtub full of molasses…