Dec. 2

When Calendar’s not single-handedly compromising the integrity of The Daily Utah Chronicle, we volunteer at homeless shelters, donate our hair to charity, donate our charity to hair and generally live the philanthropic life we apparently misrepresented as the phallus-thropic life-we’re not so good with words, you know.

Either way, Adjacent to Nothing and Idiocracy, Calendar’s not such a bad guy, playing tonight at Club Vegas (445 S. 400 West) at 8 p.m. for $5.

We mean, we’ve won Nobel Peace prizes-like, 12 of them-and you’ve won No Bell Piece of Crap Prizes, like, 45 of them.

We’re just saying…

But, Calendar must apologize-yes, sometimes we go a little too far, but its all in fair-game attempts to respect your (our readerly beloveds’) intellectual ability to discern A FREAKIN’ JOKE from, well, anything else in this newspaper.

We just have a lot of Naked Aggression, playing at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) at 7 p.m. for $10, that’s all.

Calendar still loves you.


Dec. 3

Which is to say, today marks an important day in the long and illustrated (er, illustrious…sorry, still not so good with them words) life of the Man From Calendar Country.

Indeed, we never thought it would happen, but Calendar’s spine has been collapsed under the weight of a heavy hand and a broad-based move to curb our infantile enthusiasm.

We’re waving the white flag, just so as not to perturb the virgin-eared and harlot-eyed.

That’s right; we Cave In, playing at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) at 6 p.m. for $8.

Gone are the days of Nilla Wafers-and-Cream, two-day-long poop conversations with John Stossel and soap, flower-pickin’ in the rain, necrophilic sensibilities (sorry grandma, we know you loved that), anything borderline in-apropos (damn you, words! Foiled again!).

And-most assuredly-gone are the fabled days of Calen-yore when the sky rained milk chocolate, the people cared for one another and in every single department store nationwide could be found The Pussycat Dolls, playing at Harry O’s (427 Main Street) in Park City at 8:30 p.m. for $25.

Goodbye vanguard.

Hello cardboard.

C’est la Calendar.