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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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The Early Christmas Awards

OK, I realize that Christmas is still 20 days away, but I figured that now would be the appropriate time to reward individuals for their contributions to sports in 2005.

So, without further adieu, it is my pleasure to introduce to you the first annual Chronicle Sports Christmas Awards.

The Rudolph Award: Brett Ratliff

Ratliff the red-nosed quarterback,

Had a very shiny uni,

And if you ever saw him,

His stats seemed kinda puny.

All of the crazy Cougar fans,

Liked to laugh and call him names.

They never saw poor Ratliff,

Play in any Utah games.

Then one Provo afternoon,

Ratliff came to play,

Ratliff with your uni so bright,

Won’t you guide the Utes to the light?

Then how the Ute fans loved him,

As they shouted out with glee,

Ratliff the red-nosed quarterback,

You’ll go down in Ute history!

The Grinch Award: Terrell Owens

You’re a mean one, Mr. T.O.

The Eagles’ organization thought he would be their answer to winning a Super Bowl, and he almost was.

Then he wanted more money, caused disruptions all year and ultimately threw the franchise into disarray.

Now Philadelphia won’t touch him with a 39-and-a-half-foot pole and have sent him back to his cave to whine to his wimpy dog and agent, Drew Rosenhaus.

The Frosty the Snowman Award: Latrell Sprewell

Poor Spree. So many years of being a star, putting up big numbers, choking coaches, begging for more money to feed his family and making Kevin Garnett’s life miserable.

Now he’s just sitting alone by himself, slowly melting away.

Thumpety thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,

Where did Spree’s career go?

Thumpety thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,

Nobody loves him so!

The Ghost of Christmas Past Award: Alonzo Mourning

Where did this guy come from? Not to say that ‘Zo is back to the 23 points and 10 rebounds per game that he displayed in the prime of his career, but he is putting up some nice numbers, considering all he’s been through.

The Heat thought they were in a fix when they lost Shaq after the seventh game of the year, but they went 3-4 with O’Neal, and they’ve gone 10-6 without him. Perhaps Mourning is a part of that success.

He’s averaging 11.5 points, 8.3 rebounds and a career-high 3.93 blocks per game while averaging just a little more than 28 minutes of playing time.

The Santa Claus Award:

Ozzie Guillen

Guillen led the White Sox to an unexpected 99-63 finish, as well as their first World Series victory since 1917, spreading Christmas cheer all over the south side of Chicago.

Of course, he couldn’t have done it without his eight magical reindeer.

Dasher (Scott Podsednik) stole bases and scored lots of runs, Dancer (Jermaine Dye) played outfield and flexed his strong guns, Prancer (Mark Buehrle) pitched mightily and caused hitters to cry, while Vixen (Bobby Jenks) closed games and made fans say “Oh my.”

So Comet (Paul Konerko) hit home runs and caused such a fuss, while Cupid (Frank Thomas) stood on the sidelines because he’s such an old cuss.

Donner (Jose Contreras) pitched better and resurrected his career, and Blitzen (Orlando Hernandez) won another ring and pitched in relief without any fear.

Merry Christmas!

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