Thursday

Dec. 8

Ah, the holidays.

A time for spiking the eggnog, picking dead animals from the side of the road to give as gifts and dancing topless at the office Christmas party. It’s a time for sitting on the laps of only slightly creepy bearded men whilst begging for a new Game Boy.

Rollicking, raucous, good times, From First to Last, playing at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) at 6:30 p.m. for $10.

A number of Calendar’s close friends have big holiday plans-going on cruises to the Caribbean, heading to New York for New Year’s, road-tripping to Tijuana for pills and prostitutes…er, tacos.

You know, the usual.

But Calendar does not have such plans.

This holiday season, Calendar has something extra special slated for ourselves: Rehab.

That’s right, kiddies-Calendar is getting clean. While you were all dreaming of a white Christmas, Calendar was busy having one. Actually, we were busy having one too many, and when we awoke in the alley behind a sleazy brothel a couple days back, we realized maybe we have a problem.

And, as Calendar is a responsible events listing, we maturely identified our crutches and opted to get professional help for our afflictions.

Goodbye, NyQuil. Goodbye, Zima.

Hello boring, boring cold sobriety.

Plus, we had a fling with Betty Ford a little while back, so we get spa treatment at her facility for free.

Ah, the perks of being a celebrity junkie.

Speaking of celebrity junkies, Calendar met Christian Slater the other day, and he’s, like, 13-feet tall. No lie! And he eats cars-mostly European models, we don’t know why.

His favorite? The 1975 .9-litre turbo diesel Peugeot Agent Orange, playing with Charlie Don’t Surf at Burt’s Tiki Lounge (726 S. State Street) at 8:30 p.m. for $10.

Our bags are packed, our earmuffs muffed, our normal muff muffed and our socks pulled up around our thighs. We’re ready to go. We received our confirmation from the center yesterday-printed on Frequent Try-er cardstock reserved for repeat customers-and we’re a rarin’ to go.

Now, if we could only find that Roommate Change Request Form, we’d be golden like the goose. Straight up, we ain’t bunkin’ with that Draino-sniffing bottom feeder Dave Aude, playing tonight at In The Venue (200 S. 579 West) at 9:30 p.m., tickets at the door.

Dude smells like feet and rotten pumpernickel bread. We can’t clean up our act with those types of distractions. We require penitent concentration, not unwavering dry-heaves.

Calendar hates pumpernickel…