TuesdayJan. 10

-Lesson 547: When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in Egypt, however, do not walk like an Egyptian. That’ll get you embalmed.

-Lesson 65: Though it may seem a good idea at the time, even when starving, refrain from eating Reel Big Fish and Zebrahead, tonight at Club Ice (100 S 500 West) at 7 p.m. for $15. They will invariably smell worse coming out than going in, and digestion will not make them suck any less as bands.

-Lesson 3: Up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, select, select.

-Lesson 12: “Stop, drop and roll” are The Actual step-by-step instructions printed on the side of Richard Simmons’ new workout DVD, tonight at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S West Temple) 7 p.m., $7. People who purchase Richard Simmons’ products are still very, very confused.

-Lesson 8,456: Cottage cheese-not actually made in a cottage, not really cheese.