Calendar: Return my hemorrhoid cream, ASAP. Emergency!

ThursdayJan. 12

Note to self: Mrs. O’Leary left the cow in the barn again. Mess with it around 7 p.m.

Note to self: Do not forget to pray to the Metal Gods tonight at Liquid Joe’s (1249 E. 3300 South) at 10 p.m. Remember that last time you failed to pray to the Metal Gods, you woke up with an abundance of aluminum siding strewn menacingly about the front yard. Shudder.

Note to self: Pick up daughter from school.

Note to self: Wait, don’t have a daughter.

Note to self: Pick up beer from 7-Eleven.

Note to self: Despite best efforts, still unable to manage other than Being in Body, playing at the Mary Elizabeth Dee Shaw Gallery (3580 University Circle, Weber State University) at 5 p.m. until Feb. 4. More info at 801-626-8426. Dash it all.

Note to self: It is never necessary to fulfill a friend’s gallon challenge, despite what Charles says.

Note to self: Milk everywhere-on walls, carpet and dog. Call cleaners. On second thought, call crime scene clean-up unit.

Note to self: Remember what Ma’ Calendar always said: Ain’t nobody like a cold bastard. They do, however, like a Humble Boy, playing at Pioneer Memorial Theatre (300 S. 1400 East) until Jan. 28. Showtimes at 7:30 p.m. and 2 p.m.

Note to self: That absentee canine, the Working Dog, purportedly will show his flea-ridden face tonight at The Rose Wagner Auditorium (20 S. West Temple) at 7 p.m. as part of the U’s graduate reading series.

Note to self: If, indeed, the Working Dog shows his face, remember we have a bone to pick with him. We buried it outside by the swing set.