Jen and Jeff,
I’m a 19-year-old freshman, and this is my first semester at the U. I love women but can’t talk to them. I’ve never been able to interact with the opposite sex. As a result, I’ve never even kissed a girl. ?
I’m 19! I mean, it’s like my entire central nervous system shuts down? when a pretty lady enters my realm. This is crippling, you understand. I want to get into the dating scene, meet some women, maybe have a relationship, but I just can’t talk to women, let alone approach and work any sort of “game.”
Help me, for the love of God. Give me some tips. Maybe I need to start yoga or meditation or something, I don’t know. Please help. I don’t want to be the 40-year-old virgin 20 years from now.
?
Dear shy boy,
Jennilyn:
The problem with talking to women is that too many guys forget to actually talk with them-or better yet, listen. One-liners don’t usually have enough syllables to count as conversation; so don’t worry about getting your game on. Instead, figure out how to be a good conversationalist and a better listener.
This doesn’t mean that you don’t need an entrance and/or exit strategy, but try to think about talking as a practice without a scorecard.
I’d start by erasing all the movie pick-up lines you’ve absorbed over the years and realize that women usually have a keen B.S. meter for the insincere.
Next, I’d find a hardbound copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, take off the book jacket and cover it with the jacket of something like The Tao of Physics so you can read it in public.
Now you need to build some self-confidence. You need to believe that you are someone worth talking to. Boring is, well?boring. Don’t let shy get mistaken for boring. If you read this and remark, “Well, I’m not that interesting,” then all I can say is that it’s your fault. If you’ve had a fairly uneventful life, then compensate with interesting ideas: read up on string theory or American cannibalism, watch good documentaries or ’70s cult classics. In the event that you are paralyzed by fear, ask questions.
Want to make an unruly kid or dictator listen or make a woman smile? Ask them about themselves. Things like: “Do you have pets” or “when did you first want to take over the world?” I’d start with women in your classes. Mention something about the lecture. Borrow a piece of paper. Join a club where you’ll meet women with similar interests. Become a regular at a coffee shop. Have an opinion. Start small-worry about making friends first.
Want something more forward? Offer a specific compliment about what she’s wearing rather than her looks. Get a bumper sticker like mine: “A good listener is sexy.” Chances are, you’ll make a friend more than happy to prevent the prequel: ” The 20-year-old Virgin.”
Jeff:
Excuses, excuses.
You can’t talk to women. It’s crippling. Essentially you’re saying: It’s beyond my control. It’s not my fault?it’s genetics. You’re abdicating responsibility.
As long as you believe this, you’ll never have to work at it. Then, at 40, you will look back and shake a shy but angry fist at nature and say, “I wouldn’t be a virgin if it weren’t for you meddling genes!”
The thing is, it is your fault. That’s harsh but also empowering. It’s up to you to work on your shortfalls. It’s not that you can’t talk to women, you just don’t. Yet.
But you will. Most of us have been where you are, and most of us have come through the other side. How?
First off, practice. It might not seem helpful to hear this, but you just need to jump in there. You can only learn to converse by conversing.
Imagine someone coming to you and saying, “I love the pole vault. It’s such a beautiful sport. But I can’t do it!” What would you say to her? Of course you can’t do it until A) you try it and B) you get a lot of practice under your belt.
Same damn thing.
Personally, I’ve always said that I couldn’t do karaoke. I’m a sucky singer and, thus, I’ve had a major, major mental block all my adult life. Recently, fortified with just enough tequila, I pushed through that wall. Once I popped my cherryoke, you couldn’t get me off the stage.
The first time is the hardest.
Part of the reason you can’t talk to women is that you’re desperate for a relationship. It’s hard to have a really good conversation with someone when the stakes are high. When you’re concerned about screwing up, it’s hard not to. So don’t think of women as possible dates but as interesting people. Don’t try to be smooth, be sincere.
One concrete piece of advice for a good conversation: Ask questions. It’s your job to be genuinely curious. People who talk us into the ground do not impress us.
We’ve all heard the joke about the dude who’s out on a date. All dinner long he talks about himself. Finally he stops. “I’ve talked about myself enough,” he says to the date. “What do you think about me?”
If you treat every interaction with a woman not as an opportunity but as a conversation, it will pay off in two ways. One, you won’t be as nervous because there won’t be as much at stake. Two, you’ll be so much more attractive because you won’t be the sleazy guy who’s so clearly trying to get some action.