Dear Jennilyn and Jeff,
I began an intense online relationship with a friend of mine around Thanksgiving, and it became physical toward the end of my Christmas break. I was at the time going out with a girl whom I had been seeing for close to two years.
I truly cared about both of them and was at a very low point in my life, dealing with a lot of things and feeling very depressed. After it happened, I kept talking to her online for a couple weeks, until I began avoiding her. I realized the mistake I had made, and my feelings for my girlfriend were stronger than they had been in a long time. I cancelled plans that I had made with the other girl for the future, telling her I couldn’t see her right now. I told them both that I loved them, and I told myself what I was doing wasn’t wrong.
I didn’t tell my girlfriend; I was going to put it in my past, come clean with the other girl, and move on. I was planning on buying (my girlfriend) a promise ring while we were in school and while we were figuring out any of our issues. She found out (about my infidelity) from a friend who knew, though, and she is completely devastated.
I know in my heart that I am not a bad person, I know that I made a mistake, a mistake that I will never make again. I miss my girlfriend. I love her more than anything. I keep trying to tell her that I realize that now, that this has been some sort of rude awakening for me. She wants nothing to do with me and will not talk to me.
What do I do? I know I have to give her the space she needs, but how long does that last for? I am incredibly remorseful, and I tell her I am sorry every day. I would understand if she never took me back, but what am I supposed to do?
Dear No-longer-in-the-driver’s-seat,
Jennilyn:
Relationships are like fledgling drafts of a long prospectus on black holes. Or, if science doesn’t resonate with you, consider that many poems need to be abandoned to prepare you for a masterpiece-or at least The New Yorker. If you’re going to make an omelet, you have to break some eggs.
We learn by doing drafts.
In other words, the realizations and growth you experienced during the crisis in your relationship can’t always be applied to your current romance, nor are they usually timely enough to reverse its decline. Sometimes, these difficult epiphanies just increase your personal stock for the next relationship.
Cheating is a painful, messy experience for all, but sometimes our actions, even selfish ones, prepare us for something new and force us to face feelings and consequences we didn’t know existed.
However, if you are set on winning your ex back, your most obvious problem is rebuilding trust. But how do you prove you are trustworthy without having yourself microchipped for satellite surveillance?
It hardly helps to say, “Look, I haven’t cheated on you in six months.” There aren’t any gold stars for incremental improvement in this case. Besides, where’s the proof?
Trust is a bit ephemeral to begin with. Trust doesn’t concern most of us until it is lost or we have reason to be suspicious. If you reunite, your relationship will be disproportionately concerned with trust.
If she takes you back-and it is her choice-you need to decide whether you have the endurance to be suspect and penitent for as long as she needs. And realistically, the dynamic of your relationship will always be different, and you should be prepared to bear the weight for that change.
You probably are a good guy, but you’ve shown your girlfriend how badly you can hurt her. Most of us don’t worry about cheating because we assume we are our lover’s first priority.
If she’ll take a letter, I’d avoid excuses and let her know why this particular relationship is worth saving. Why her? Be apologetic about the future you have potentially foreclosed rather than analyze the past. And let her decide if an equation for trust exists or whether she’s willing to linger with you in the black hole-beautifully obscure though it is.
Jeff:
It’s hard to imagine that she won’t stay with you when you’re willing to buy her a promise ring. Perhaps you should let her wear your letterman’s jacket. That usually works.
Why does everyone always follow her or his confession of cheating with the phrase, “But I’m not a bad person”? I hate that formulation. Villains are bad. Skeletor was bad. You, on the other hand, are human: not bad, but fallible.
Nonetheless, bad is in the eye of the beholder. Suffice it to say your girlfriend is pissed, and you want to know what to do.
It is so very male to screw up and then somehow imagine that you can do something to make it better. You want to be in control, but the truth is you’re in the passenger seat for this one.
By being the one to cheat, you’ve abdicated your ability to make decisions in this relationship.
Your girlfriend has final say in this matter. She can decide to be with you or not. You also can choose not to be together; you just cannot choose to be together because she has ultimate veto power. You can choose not to play for the Utah Jazz; you just can’t choose to play for them since they don’t have to take you.
She has control. You don’t. You, my friend, just have to wait it out until she makes a decision.
This is not to say you are without options.
Do you need to be sorry? Yes. Should you grovel daily? That’s not a bad idea for a week or maybe even a month, but at some point you have to get up from the dirt, brush off and present yourself with dignity. Be remorseful but don’t become a broken record.
Create some distance between the two of you. You’re right in wanting communication, but you need to create a space where communication is possible. For there to be a dialogue, there has to be some sort of equal footing.
She needs to feel that you too could choose to walk away. Currently she recognizes that you won’t do that, so she might as well make you suffer for a while. Ironically, you need to be a little indifferent for her to acknowledge that you may be sorry.
Of course, she may legitimately want you to go to hell. In that case, you should pack your bucket because that too is her prerogative.