Well folks, this is it. Together we’ve gone through so much-love, hate, anger, laughter?well, mostly anger…and a hefty dose of hate.
As I move on to bigger, stressier things, and at the behest of my amazing editor, I’d like to leave you with a last will and testament.
To the Associated Students of the University of Utah: all my prayers for next year.
To Jake Kirkham and Toby Collett: John Poelman and Ali Hasnain. (Or at least someone who knows how to do your job.)
To Greek Row: Chuck Norris. If he can’t save you, then MacGyver. And if he can’t save you, it’s your own fault for not having duct tape and tweezers handy.
To The Chronicle’s News Staff: a story bigger than “ASUU sucks” for every day next year.
To A&E: someone to read your section.
To Opinion: letters from someone besides Kellen Wilson.
To Sports: better football and men’s basketball teams to write about. And a sweater vest to share among you.
To Rocky Anderson: a set of scriptures with your words inserted into them. Lord knows you know better than he does-and the rest of us, for that matter.
To the Democratic Party: morals.
To the Republican Party: ditto.
To the Earth: Captain Planet or electric cars, whichever fantasy comes true first.
To the U: a new block U, a food contract with anyone besides Chartwells, cheap insurance and my old set of golf clubs.
To BYU: a sense of humor and some humility. And a football team worth beating. And no rape charges next year. And?well, maybe that’s already too much to hope for.
To Commuter Services: matching brown outfits and shiny black boots.
To the LDS Institute: no more big hair, woven belts, tapered jeans, socks under sandals or comb-overs.
To science TAs: a soul to share among you.
To incoming freshmen: the will to resist Myspace and Facebook.
To the College of Humanities: a post-dated check for $1 million for when I make the big bucks?in English?in Utah?uh?
To the English department: large words, inane theories, Sigmund Freud and phallic symbols, good books, good poetry and professors who deserve every award, recognition or prize possible-Karen Brennan, Disa Gambera, Andy Hoffmann, Anne Jamison, Janet Kaufman, Mark Matheson, Jessica Straley and Stephen Tatum.
To the women I should have dated and didn’t: a white rose, symbolizing the peace I hope to maintain between us.
To the women I broke up with: a pink rose, symbolizing the friendship I hope to keep.
To the women who broke up with me: a black rose, symbolizing all the pain, torment and suffering I hope comes to you within the year.
To you: love, peace, a little bit of luck and my favorite T-shirt.