Future Speak

By and

To: Chris Hill, director of athletics

Dear Dr. Hill:

I wanted to drop you a line, as I was unable to speak with you on my trip to provide the U’s commencement address last week. I took a tour of the campus and was struck at what a bang-up job everyone has been doing around here in the 20 years since I graduated.

Twenty years! Jeez, has it really been that long? It seems like only yesterday that I was a thorn in your side, asking you to pose in silly April Fools’ pictures and allowing my writers to publish editorials calling out the sports administration. But it was all in fun-a product of youthful zest.

To be honest with you, I’m surprised you are still in your position as AD. The 98 percent mandate to draft you as governor must have been a strong temptation, as was Commissioner W. Bush’s pleas to help him save the baseball mess he created. But I commend you for sticking with what feels right.

Speaking of feelings, I can’t help feeling sorry that I’m not a student at the U today. Everything is so hopping around here! I was able to play a quick game of 8-D virtua-basketball at the Union against Andre Miller Jr. Let me tell you, what an experience! In my days, all we had was the glitchy Hoop Fever game to waste our money on.

On my drive up to campus, I almost came to tears when I saw that 50-foot tall memorial to coach Whittingham outside of Rice-Eccles Stadium 2.0. I always feel sad about what happened, but it was my duty to send the best person for the job, and he was the only man I could envision leading our troops in the war against those horrible Martian invaders.

Of course, it’s not like coach Scalley is doing a shabby job, right? The only fault I can see in him is that you’ll have to build a new trophy case pretty soon to house all the national championship trophies, the Big-64 conference titles and the numerous Eric Weddle Awards. (It was about time they took that stodgy Heisman guy off that trophy.)

Although success does have its drawbacks, I visited Chris Bellamy at The Chronicle building (10 stories for a student paper?! We had to share chairs back in ’06!) and was dismayed to learn that he is putting off his graduation yet another year because he wants a chance at covering his fifth Rose Bowl. Oh well. At least little Urban Beatty will have a good mentor when he enrolls at the U next fall.

Oops, I’m rambling again. I tend to do that, you know. Like when I talked coach Drisdom’s ear off after the Final Four last season while he was trying to enjoy his champagne shower. And I am always late to state dinners when I get to speaking about days of yore with Sen. Launiere. I guess I’m just nostalgic.

I’ve just been told by Press Secretary Steve Gehrke I need to do a meet-and-greet with some girl scouts, so I’ll let you get back to your busy job.

Best Regards,

Joseph Beatty

President of the United States

P.S. You can tell coach Marsden not to worry, as I have no plans to ever pardon Suzanne Yoculan. She’ll never be a threat to society again.