O.J. goes bad, again

While he was exonerated, O.J. Simpson’s alleged actions on the morning of June 12, 1994 have been discussed at such great length that there remain scarce few original insights, musings or punch lines about the brutal murder of Simpson’s ex-wife Nicole Brown and her good friend Ron Goldman.

Thankfully, like the Ice Age, the bubonic plague and the disco era, the consequent demise of the Simpson saga defied all odds. O.J. disappeared, racial issues dissipated and Johnny Cochrane dissolved back into his original liquid form and returned to his winter lodgings in the devil’s gall bladder.

So who would even consider reviving this putrid, socially destructive story that consumed us all for the better part of two years?

None other than the Juice himself.

In his yet-to-be named, pay-per-view TV show, O.J. reintroduces himself to the spotlight as a comedic figure, much as he did almost 20 years ago in the “Naked Gun” series.

The “sticky situations” include O.J. as an Elvis impersonator, O.J. as a fruit stand attendant, O.J. as an elderly person at a bingo game and O.J. selling a white Ford Bronco while bragging about how it “helped him get away.”

Yes, you read that last part correctly.

O.J., who still owes much of the $33.5 million demanded by the civil suit that found him liable for the killings, doesn’t really seem to have as firm a grasp on the elements of comedy as he did rushing defenses.

For instance, a former famous athlete playing a hapless detective with a huge afro that won’t allow him to pass through door frames equals funny.

A former famous athlete who stabbed two people to death joking about how he “got away” after running from the police is not so funny.

Remarkably, Goldman’s father, Fred, didn’t find that Simpson’s comments exhibited best of taste, either, calling him “morally reprehensible.”

While I personally wouldn’t blame Goldman if he went over to O.J.’s house, tied him down and slowly cut him apart with a dull butter knife, Simpson isn’t really the major moral issue I have with this story. After all, it’s not such a big shocker that somebody who is broke and lacks regard for human life is willing to take sleazy measures to make money.

My issue is with the production companies who are putting on the hour-long show and all the viewers who will no doubt pay to watch. I can understand that the concept might seem enticing based on the show’s inevitable status as a historical landmark of absurdity, but you HAVE to resist the urge to encourage this trend.

What’s next? Mike Tyson cracking Robin Givens jokes in Durex commercials? Maybe we can see the hilarious antics that ensue when the KKK goes trick-or-treating, or how about a DIY show with some rebel insurgent bug exterminators?

I implore you-even when the DVD inevitably finds it’s way onto the Internet-avert your eyes as quickly as possible when you see this show.

It’ll be easy for me. I can only think of one place I ever want to see O.J. Simpson again.

In hell.