Selling your soul for sales

“Want to make $25,000 this summer?”

You’ve seen the ads. Every year sales companies post fliers all around the U advertising what is, apparently, the easiest money on earth. For whatever reason, struggling college students are the perfect candidates for this charitable offer.

Of course, everybody would be in sales if there weren’t any drawbacks. But when a good friend involved with the sales business assured me that I’d enjoy working with him at his sales floor, I finally relinquished my own skepticism and succumbed to the luster of a five-figure summer.

Now, fresh off my historically unsuccessful three-day stint in the industry, I’ve provided for you an inside look at the pitch process, shady sales script-style.

See if you can spot the “objections” (business buzzword) to accepting a job in sales. If you can’t, you may require a visit to the optometrist.

————-

This is ______ speaking on behalf of Mindless Money Incorporated. How are you today? I’m fine, thanks. Who’s speaking? Are you busy, ______?

A. (If busy) Well, sure you are. College student, eh? College is a tough gig, right? And do you even know what you’re doing it for? (If yes, end call). Of course you don’t, nobody does. But you probably came to school to make money, right?

B. (If not busy) Great! Then you’ll have no problem spending a few minutes talking with me about making money.

Do you have a job?

A. (If employed) What do you do? (No matter what they say) And how long have you wanted to make more money? (If never, hang up after shouting an obscene ethnic slur.) So what’s stopped you from making more money all this time?

B. (If unemployed) Well, for God’s sake, it’s probably about time you quit your slothful ways and started doing something with your life, right?

Well, we at MMI offer the chance for change. Are there things that you would like to buy today but can’t afford? Do you worry about car payments, school loans, rent, mortgages or even children? Isn’t it about time you stopped the charade, stopped following the masses around like another helpless lemming and started making your own mark on the world?

I’m glad to hear you’re motivated, ______. Would you have any problem working solely for commission on a product that’s tough to sell?

(If concerned) Why? Are you worried about your manhood? Of course you’re not. You’re obviously extremely satisfied with your masculinity.

And would you enjoy working in a job where you can make as much as $2,000 in a single day, on your own terms, on your own time?

Now listen, ______. I’ve enjoyed our conversation, but it’s my job to make sure that you’re REALLY committed to the sacrifices involved in making money.

______, would you have a problem telling a man who is living in a trailer with three dependents, no job and due for his third bypass surgery in three years that he ought to leverage his remaining $6,000 in available credit to finance an entrepreneurial venture that you’re not even sure exists?

(If no) That’s OK, ______. We understand that there will be an adjustment process up front. Let’s try this again, though. I want you to picture a swimming pool full of $100 bills. Now hold that picture in your head?OK, now,

Woulditbotheryoutoknowthatyouaresellingaproductwhichdoesnotexisttopeoplewhoaretoopooranddesperatetomakerationaldecisionsabouttheirfinancesandhaveenoughresponsibilitiesanddependentstojustifytheirhastyanddamagingactions?

There, that’s not so bad is it?

Great. Now I’m going to patch you through to my manager so we can get you set up here at MMI. Awesome, have a great day. Click.

Sucker.