Gridiron deathmatch

By By Tom Quinn

By Tom Quinn

Isn’t technology wonderful? Over the last 100 years, we’ve seen airplanes, space travel and, most importantly, breakfast cereals that offer twice the chocolatey goodness of their forerunners with only half the calories.

While all of these contributions are well and good, there is now an invention on the horizon, the importance of which falls somewhere between the advent of the polio vaccine and the creation of the wheel.

I’m talking, of course, about

Anyone who has ever had a pleasant evening ruined by two drunken knuckleheads arguing about whether or not Joe Namath had what it takes to go toe-to-toe with today’s Peyton Manning knows how desperately humanity needs a method for resolving such disputes.

That is where my new all-time favorite Web site comes in.

What If Sports allows fans to match up virtually any two teams in recent history to see which would come out on top. Still not impressed? Check this out: The site actually generates a complete box score and play-by-play recap for barflies to soak up.

The practical applications of this site are virtually boundless. For example, a poll in a recent issue of Men’s Health revealed that the average fan’s ideal fantasy match-up would entail the undefeated 1972 Dolphins and the nearly undefeated 1985 Chicago Bears.

Determined to solve the greatest debate since the Scopes Trial, I had the two teams fight it out on Soldier Field.

Everyone except for the dozens of Bears fans all over America will be delighted to hear that the Fins prevailed 33-21.

Mercury Morris and company didn’t just win-they walked all over Mad Mac and his “Monsters of the Midway.” It was 27-0 before Chicago even crossed midfield.

Some Bears fans might be quick to point out that a Web site, even though it features patented iSimNow technology, really has no chance of accurately predicting the outcome of a football game. They may have a point. But they are even more likely to have hypertension from eating too much Polish sausage.

The site also offers fantasy match-ups in both baseball and basketball, but I just don’t have time to pit the 2004 Bosox against the Murderers’ Row-era Yanks. Seriously, I have work to do. And by “work,” I mean daydreaming about an island getaway with Christina Milian.

Unfortunately, the site does not offer college football fantasy match-ups, which means that there is no way to settle the debate regarding the 2004 Utes and the 1984 Cougars.

In my opinion, there is no debate at all. The 2004 Utes made history. The ’84 Blue ‘Ballers had mustaches. Which do you think is more impressive?

Were it not for the legions of BYU fans clinging to that lone accomplishment like children to the myth of Santa Claus, the Cougars’ 1984 campaign would have been forgotten years ago.

Of course, if your school’s only other national championship came in accounting, you’d probably be just as excited about beating a sub-par Michigan team as they still are.

In closing, I would like to point out that, in my final “What If Sports” simulation, my beloved 2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers walked all over both the 2000 Ravens and the 1985 Bears, thus putting to rest any lingering questions about which team boasted the best defense in the history of football.

You think I’m wrong? Go sim yourself.