“The Covenant”

Directed by Renny Harlin

I warned you this would happen! The Abercrombie and Fitch mannequins have come to life, complete with washboard abs and God-like powers, bent on ruling the world in a blandly attractive sort of way. At least, that’s what the trailers seem to advertise.

Someday, I hope I can levitate 3 feet off the floor, eyes closed, palms out, wind gushing upward, while Stabbing Westward plays on the soundtrack.

“Just livin’ the dream,” I’ll tell gaping spectators. (PG-13)

“The Protector”

Directed by Prachya Pinkaew

Showboating martial artist Tony Jaa (of “Ong-Bak” fame) is back to kick more anonymous-henchmen-butt, this time in the land down under.

There’s a period of adjustment when Jaa arrives in Australia and realizes that his roundhouse kicks spin in the opposite direction. (PG-13)

“Factotum”

Directed by Bent Hamer

As poet Charles Bukowski, Matt Dillon shows that you can be a raging, alcoholic jerk and still make a name for yourself-that is, if you can write about that raging alcoholism in a poetic way.

Anyone hoping to be the next big, tortured artist better catch this movie. Or anyone who would like to watch Dillon and his girlfriend taking turns rushing to the bathroom and worshipping the porcelain throne. Sounds fun. (R)

“13 Tzameti”

Directed by Gla Babluani

A drifting young man stumbles into a game in which human lives are the betting chips.

“I see your obese, middle-aged businessman, and I raise you two Hilton sisters.” Ooo, he plays dirty. (NR)

GLOBAL FILM INITIATIVE: GLOBAL LENS 2006

Beginning Sept. 8 and ending Sept. 17, the Broadway Centre Cinemas and our very own university will host a variety of international films. See them all for a package price of $10. Visit www.saltlakefilmsociety.org for film descriptions, screening times and locations.

This is a great opportunity to broaden your perspective on films and to see a lot of black-clad, goateed coffee-sippers in their native habitat. Just don’t feed them any processed food-their delicate, soy-bean-fed digestive tracts won’t be able to stomach it.

MIDNIGHT MADNESS AT THE TOWER!

“This is Spinal Tap”

Directed by Rob Reiner

“This one goes to 11.”

“He drowned in vomit…it wasn’t his own vomit.”

“It’s like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black.”

Say no more.

Catch a faux-doc about the greatest rock band of all time at the Tower this weekend. Bring the ashes of your favorite spontaneously-combusted friend and get in free! (R)