Note: the following was intended for The Chronicle’s upcoming “Rivalry Guide” with BYU’s student paper (The Daily Universe) but due to limited space and conflicts with their own Honor Code (expressed by The Universe’s editorial staff), BYU’s student body won’t receive the privilege of reading our progressive insights. Sigh. Yet another setback to freedom of thought?

The rules they got their knickers in a twist over are indicated by asterisks.

The Crimson Commandments

Objective

Brigham Young’s Honor Code was once the most extensive code of conduct for any university in the United States. Until now, that is.

Upon hearing of BYU’s distinction (on Wikipedia), the University of Utah’s administration privately commissioned The Chronicle to establish “The Crimson Commandments” as a response–the only stipulation being that our code of conduct should be at least as long as theirs. Size matters, they said.

We gladly accepted a role in this collegiate pissing contest*, drawing upon inspiration from the BYU Honor Code in the construction of our version. Of course, we had to make a few amendments to ensure that it was applicable to our Salt Lake lifestyle?

The new Ute rules, preceded by their stuffy Cougar counterparts, are as follows:

1. “Be honest”–Don’t lie

In case you’re at the Union and you see an old girlfriend/boyfriend looking better than ever–at the same time you’re on the outs with your current partner–you aren’t required to explicitly tell your ex you’re seeing somebody else. You are looking straight at them, after all.

2.* “Obey the law and all campus policies”–Don’t get caught disobeying the law and campus policies

By all means, drink beer, smoke pot, pay frat houses for old essays, use drugs from somebody else’s prescription to cram for an exam, and tailgate smack dab in the middle of a dry campus. Only–for God’s sake–just don’t go over 30 mph on Central Campus Drive! We station our entire police force behind that same stupid barrier every day to make this easy for you.

3. “Respect others”–Respect Eric Weddle

What do you want from us? He’s really good.

4.* “Live a chaste and virtuous life”–Don’t ask, don’t tell

Sleep with everybody. Really–harvest a new form of resistant bacteria on your genitals–we don’t care. Just don’t shout the details to your best friend on your cell phone in public as though you were taking an emergency distress call from one of Jupiter’s moons. “YES! ?THAT’S WHAT I SAID! ?I DON’T KNOW YET-HE HASN’T CALLED ME BACK!”

5. “Abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea, coffee and substance abuse”–Abstain from Chartwells abuse

Consumption of Chartwells’ food is done at a student’s own discretion. The U cannot be held accountable for any serious side effects sustained, including, but not limited to: dissatisfaction, tardiness, overspending and diarrhea.

6.* “Encourage others in their commitment to comply with the Honor Code”–Encourage others to take keg stands

And guys, don’t put your hand up some girl’s skirt to lift her up, especially after it took five guys 30 minutes to convince her to step up and take a keg stand. You’re not going to get anything out of it (“You’re too charming! Won’t you escort me home, kind sir?”), and you’re basically ruining the illuminating institution of keg standing for any girl who sees you do it, for some cheap, ephemeral thrill.

7. “Observe Dress and Grooming Standards”–Wear clothes, for the most part, but we also need more streaking!

One of the many adverse effects of rampant social conditioning is the decline of streaking–particularly in sports. Unlike, say, a Muhammad cartoon (not an Honor Code violation), everyone finds naked people funny.

Students are advised to ignore the ridiculous sports broadcasters that act as if somebody were swinging a cat around by its intestines when a fan jumps on the field. Streaking is proper–no, exemplary–behavior for a college student, particularly on a cold day.

8. “Participate regularly in church services”–Worship the devil

Ever since athletic director Chris Hill sold our collective soul for Urban Meyer’s tenure at the U, all U students owe an eternity of servitude to Satan, as well as $20 in annual student fees.

U students who do particularly well pleasing Lucifer can appeal to ASUU’s executive cabinet, which will award them a spot in the Presenter’s Office or refer them to Parking Enforcement.

9. “Use clean language”–Use clean dishes

Two-thirds of reported influenza cases are actually food poisoning-and we’re already playing with fire by eating f***ing Chartwells

AND, FINALLY, THE RULE THAT SUPERCEDES ALL OTHERS?

10.* “Students are not permitted to allow visitors of the opposite sex in their bedroom area unless during an established time at which room doors must remain open.”–If you hear the bed a-rocking, don’t come a-knocking