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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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A deeper look: the disturbing varieties of Cougar fans

By Natalie Dicou

BYU fans can’t all be lumped into one category. Indeed, they are all warped, but in different and disturbing ways. Let’s look into two prominent varieties.

Delusional zealot (DZ): A BYU fan who honestly believes the Cougars are the “Lord’s team” and openly refers to them as such.

I spent my adolescent years in Utah County behind the Jell-O Curtain, so I’ve known a few of these in my day.

Delusional zealots believe that God Almighty pulls the strings of BYU football, that he punishes and rewards the team as he sees fit depending on the players’ devotion to the Honor Code and that, if God wants a recruit to come to BYU, he’ll touch his heart with the knowledge that BYU is a collegiate Zion. Oh, and you know that extra burst of energy that a BYU defensive lineman will sometimes get that enables him to smear Utah’s quarterback into the turf? That comes from God, too, and only if the lineman has done his home teaching that month.

DZs believe that the U is a heathen institution, that professors have signed a contract with Satan to warp the minds of today’s youth–that’s why the Utes wear red–and that the U will turn an unsuspecting, otherwise righteous young Mormon into a?oh no, not that, don’t say it: a feminist!

Delusional zealots usually lack football knowledge, but that doesn’t stop them from donning their royal blue BYU apparel from circa 1984 and attending every home game, where they’ll belt out the lyrics of the Cougars’ fight song like it’s “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

Delusional zealots are the type of Cougar fans that upset LDS Ute fans the most. Imagine being harassed at church every week about when you’ll switch your allegiance to BYU or having to listen to fellow quorum members recount the horrible, godless pass interference call that cost BYU the game–clearly the ref was a Catholic.

If it is ever mentioned that Gordon B. Hinckley is a U graduate, DZs break into a sweat and become overly defensive, usually saying something like, “Well, it was different back then,” or, “You’ll never see another Ute president of the church, that’s for sure.”

There is no hope for DZs. They are too far gone, so let’s move on to another prong of Cougar dementia.

Delusional separatist (DS): This is the one-sided dolt who doesn’t possess the ability to be objective. DSs typically believe that BYU is in contention for a national championship every year and that refs are biased against them.

DSs are usually knowledgeable about football but have a skewed perception of their own team’s abilities and generally believe that BYU possesses one of the premier college football programs in the country.

They never tire of discussing how great BYU’s quarterbacks have been in the past, and they love to call sports radio shows after Cougar games to make hilarious claims like how BYU is the “Notre Dame of the West.”

What they have going for them is that they believe the LDS Church and BYU sports are separate, though connected, entities.

Contrary to the belief of DZs, DSs normally don’t think that BYU football is a “missionary tool.” They see it for what it is and think DZs are cuckoo.

They believe Ute fans are jealous of BYU’s poor man’s “dynasty,” which in actuality consists of one successful decade. Delusional separatists will, however, milk BYU’s so-called glory days until the day they die. In fact, a true DS’s last words will often be a whispered but impassioned, “1984!”

DSs boo their own team when things aren’t going their way and they almost always, aside from the occasional highly successful year, want the coach fired. Delusional separatists currently hold Bronco Mendenhall at the level of an apostle, but the next time BYU gets blown out (Saturday?) they’ll want him hanged.

When we define the varieties, we can then begin to understand the illnesses BYU fans suffer from and realize they can’t help themselves. Instead of being despised, perhaps they should be pitied. But don’t take this as an endorsement to reach out to them. Both DZs and DSs are extremely dangerous. Go Utes!

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