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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Forget undocumented immigrants

By Matt Homer

Each year, thousands of Californians invade our sovereign state borders to steal our jobs, buy our property and corrupt our youth with their despicable alternative lifestyles.

Here is what I have against these moral invaders and their wicked plot to take over the state:

First, because they come from the land of bloated incomes, they expect to earn the same here as they did at home. And many of our employers (opportunists) – native Utahns, no less – grant them this desire. Unlike Latin American immigrants, who take the jobs we don’t want, these immigrants steal the high-paying jobs Utahns desire most.

But do these invaders stop there? No, they’ve also hatched a territorial expansion scheme to buy our property and annex Utah into their homeland. The Economist recently reported that many new homes in the state aren’t even intended for native Utahns. Rather, they are constructed – and priced – for cash-greedy Californians and their ostentatious lifestyles. Undocumented Latina/os are satisfied paying us rent to live here, but these intruders want it all for themselves.

Yet perhaps the most worrisome trend is the degradation of our culture. Anyone who is familiar with this race knows of its sun-crusted bodies, scandalous attire and idolatrous lifestyles. Mexican border-hoppers may speak a foreign language, but these new aggressors want to introduce the language of sin.

What’s more, most of them have come illegally. Although they like to say they’re from “California,” the name of their home is actually the “California Republic” – which, of course, is different from a state. Take a look at their flag and you’ll notice the true source of their conspiracy – a bear and a red star. Who else uses these symbols? Communists.

Confronting such an attack will require considerable effort, but the solution is relatively simple.

The first and obvious step is to build a wall and deport all Californians currently living in the state. The wall should be at least 30 feet tall and able to withstand a nuclear test from the Nevada desert. It should also contain heat-seeking sensors and a beefed-up border patrol.

In order to deport those already here, we must first separate the Californians from everyone else. To accomplish this, I suggest we assemble a group of volunteer youth who will go door-to-door asking for identification. Those who cannot prove they aren’t Californian will be required to wear a red star on their right breast. After identification is complete, we’ll ask those with red stars to leave voluntarily. Those who choose not to leave will be taken to a relocation center until they can be transported across the border. Not only will this solution be relatively straightforward, but it will also boost our patriotic sense of identity.

But these measures are just half of the solution. We also need to do more to discourage them from coming in the first place (in case some are tempted to sneak through). To accomplish this, we’ll fine any employer caught employing an illegal Californian and we’ll also make efforts in California to correct the problem. In particular, I suggest changing Utah’s state tourism logo to “Life Defecated” and buying up as much Californian ad space as we can afford. This should give them plenty of reason to avoid setting foot in our state. These, of course, are just a few initial steps and certainly more will follow.

Last, we need to make a quota system that allows a few Californians to migrate each year. After all, a limited amount of immigration is OK. We just want it done the legal way. After this we can sit back, reclaim our lost jobs and know that we’ve upheld the laws of the land and protected our culture.

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