Letter: Utahns rejoice: We are here to save you


Matt Homer made a lot of good points last Friday about Californians (“Californians, not Mexicans, pose the real threat,” Feb. 9). They are smart, successful and hardworking. However, he fails to address why they are coming in the first place. They do not come by choice, but are in fact brought here in a government-led breeding program to keep all the Utah yokels from inbreeding the brains out of this state.

This is evident by the fact that more and more women are starting to look less like your sister. That is only a small fraction of the many improvements; studies show that the distance between the eyes of Utah newborns has begun expanding from their Down Syndrome-esque proportions. Velcro shoes are going out of style now because people are learning to tie their shoes. I personally haven’t seen a Utah native tuck his shirt into his underwear in at least two or three days.

Most amazing of all, though it may be just an extra letter to remember for most of you, I think I heard someone pronounce the letter “t” in one of my classes. This may all be happening at the college level, but it is only a matter of time before the breeding program filters down to the rest of Utah society.

Improvements to intellect are not the only things we are bringing to your state; there is also work ethic. Utah is finally beginning to understand that a workday is not 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., but instead 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. A full eight hours of work can be done in a single day and still not be considered overtime. This may seem like a step backward for workers’ rights, but for the general economy of the state, this is wonderful. Finally, the “Beehive State” can begin to be associated with hard work instead of the state where the people just breed like insects.

I write this to reassure you and urge you not to be scared; change is good. Californians are here to help you. Just let?us do our job.

Ryan Dark

Mechanical Engineering and Applied Science