By Cynthia Stone

EmmureGoodbye to the GallowsVictory RecordsZero out of four stars

Whoa, whoa, whoa — did I get the right CD, or did I get a poor recording of an eighth-grade band in a talent show?

Emmure’s newest album, Goodbye to the Gallows, is actually headed right for the stocks.

Unfortunately, the CD player in my car broke last week. Needing to write a review for Emmure, I decided to listen to Goodbye to the Gallows via surround sound in my house while I ate breakfast.

That was my first mistake.

All of a sudden, this tumultuous noise accompanied by a literal puking sound from the vocalist sent me running. Finally, I mustered up the courage to help my poor CD player — I flipped the switch off.

I should have known — I mean, look at the name of the band and the psycho CD cover.

“Emmure.” Is it French? A last name? Or did they misspell “immure?” And if the band meant to use the meaning of the word “immure,” does it feel “imprisoned?” “Shut away?” “Enclosed?”

Probably.

Because that’s what you’d want to do to this CD!

The inside cover should have been the first indication of what my ears would hear. It depicts a creepy cartoon of a twinkle-spirit man looking up at his limp body hanging from a tree. The cartoon continues with the twinkle-spirit man blasting off into space leaving his corpse behind.

What I got from my attempts to listen to the CD was that every song sounded the same, just with slightly different openings, and either the vocalist was hacking up a lung or a cat was. I guess if you like pain, you will definitely feel it when you listen to this CD.

As for me, I think I’d rather slide down a hill of broken glass naked into a pool of lemon juice than hear any part of this CD again.