Sport solstice

By By Tom Quinn

By Tom Quinn

Easter rocks. The combination of outstanding, one-of-a-kind seasonal candy and a cute, fuzzy little mascot that has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus gives the holiday an allure that, in my opinion, is surpassed only by that of Halloween.

Unfortunately for those of us who commemorate the resurrection of our Lord by hiding brightly colored eggs from already overweight children, Easter is perhaps the only major holiday that doesn’t have a sporting event closely associated with it.

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Day have all incorporated sports into their traditional celebrations, and all have become more enjoyable as a result. Easter clearly needs our help. In order to ensure that Easter gets the attention it deserves from the wide world of sports, I plan to dedicate all of my Easter Sunday activities to making certain that the uneasy bedfellows of the Resurrection and sports consummate their brand new relationship.

Here’s how: I will begin my Easter Sunday sport spectacular by attending “Easter at the E,” a religious ceremony to be held at the E Center. Because the E Center is also home to the Utah Grizzlies, my hope is that at least one of the nondenominational pastors will spend a few minutes in the penalty box for high-sticking.

The next event on my Sunday tour-de-sport will be a Western Conference battle between the L.A. Lakers and the Phoenix Suns. Anyone who says such a game has nothing to do with Easter is obviously unfamiliar with Kobe Bryant.

Two days after scoring 81 points against Toronto, Bryant was seen walking on water at Redondo Beach, Cali.

Following the game, I will make my annual Easter Sunday trip to Willow Creek Golf Course for some good, clean family fun. Although golf’s status as a sport is debatable, few things in life are more enjoyable than stealing golfers’ balls while on an “egg hunt.”

The final event on my sports-oriented agenda is an MLS showdown between the L.A. Galaxy and the Houston Dynamo. The match, which will feature international stars such as Brian Ching, Landon Donovan and Dewayne De Rosario, will be the perfect way to end a holiday dedicated to global peace and harmony.

Furthermore, I will make a point of eating each of my Easter Sunday meals at a different sports bar. While some folks insist that eating out on Easter is inappropriate, I maintain that there is no better way to celebrate the holiday. After all, the Bible doesn’t contain a single passage that proves Jesus ever cooked his own food.

The fact that Easter has no major sporting event associated with it is an affront to American culture. For those who haven’t already noticed, American tradition dictates that we celebrate our holidays by sitting around and eating–two activities that go hand-in-hand with watching sports on television.

The ubiquity of Cadbury eggs makes Easter an enjoyable holiday for Christians and reasonable people alike. But Easter Sunday could mean so much more if it only had at least one major sporting event associated with it–an issue that I plan to address this weekend.

Be it basketball, soccer, arena football or?gulp?baseball, Easter needs to find itself a sport as quickly as possible.