The ghost of Shawn Bradley lives.
The man who earned his living by offering his 7-foot-6 frame as a sacrifice at the altar of dunking for 13 years in the NBA is no longer with BYU. But his spirit is rumored to live on in the halls of the Marriott Center, which is hardly a surprise. Bradley’s one season at BYU (1990-1991) was his only decent year of basketball before he went on to the NBA and became the “Great White Dope.”
It’s true. Janitors sweeping the halls after hours have rounded the wall’s corners and come face-to-face with Bradley’s ghostly crotch. Some say he most resembles the freakish, blue cartoon character portrayed in Bradley’s hit movie “Space Jam.” (The Oscars snubbed him on that one, by the way.)
The story around Provo goes that since Bradley’s retirement in the summer of 2005, he has focused his energies on becoming a full-time cheerleader for the BYU men’s basketball team. Don’t laugh. It’s working.
How else would you explain the Cougars’ absurd turnaround from going 9-21 in 2004-2005 to 20-9 and 25-9 the following two seasons? That’s right, the Praying Mantis is in the bleachers.
Forget that BYU has top returning players Trent Plaisted (an MWC preseason first-teamer), Lee Cummard and Jonathan Tavernari. Ignore Jimmer Fredette — voted the MWC’s top incoming freshman out of New York.
BYU could field a roster of 12 missionaries, and they’d still win the MWC Championship in men’s hoops. You’ve seen “Angels in the Outfield” where a hapless crack squad of excuses for baseball players wins the pennant with divine help. BYU’s version is “Deathstick in the Paint.”
Just wait and watch. Opponents will swiftly drive into the lanes against BYU, soar for a dunk and then mysteriously collapse out of the air and convulse into laughter. The wrath of “Deathstick” and 13 unlucky years of embarrassing memories will fall upon them.
On the other end, Cummard will slice his way into the paint and leap into the air. Opposing centers will freeze and cover their heads — a trademark Bradley perfected in the NBA — while Cummard slams it through the hoop. Once the ball bounces off the posterized center’s head, he will look up and get a facefull of Cummard’s shorts. He will finally see through the eyes of Bradley.
Plaisted’s body will be temporarily possessed as he swats 5.2 shots per game-the number of league-leading blocks Bradley averaged 17 years ago.
When BYU players and coaches pop in the tape to scout upcoming opponents, ESPN’s airing of “Top 10 Dunks on Bradley” will mysteriously appear on the screens. The players will look on in horror at each sickening pile of white extremities slammed to the floor. They will take his pains to heart and onto the court, where they will win 27 games this season.
Once the Cougars win the conference championship, they will take Bradley’s inspiration to the NCAA Tournament, where they will sneak past the first two rounds and become the heartwarming story of the year.
“This one’s for you, Shawn!” Tavernari will say after they upset North Carolina in the Sweet 16.
When the Cougars miraculously make it to the final four in San Antonio, the players will see Bradley in the flesh, sitting in the front row to cheer on his old school. Next to Bradley will be his new best friend, Cody Brunner, a converted BYU fan, waving a pennant that reads, “Go, BYU!”
Then the Cougars will be cursed.