Unfortunately, I don’t possess even one unbiased bone in my body when it comes to Brigham Young University. Really, not a single bone. Even my coccyx is no fan of the Cougar.
It’s difficult to remain objective when writing about why the U is superior to BYU, especially when one is physically incapable of doing so. I want to be fair and view the schools on the same level, and yet I am biologically wired to abhor the Y with an intense passion usually exhibited by devoted followers of Muhammad or Comic-Con.
I’ve been asked to give my opinion on why an education from BYU is the largest waste of time and money in the Intermountain Region. Not only have I been waiting my entire life to write such a column, but unbeknownst to many, I was actually predestined by God, Gitchi Manitou and/or Oprah to do so.
I truly wish I didn’t hate BYU. Preordination, however, doesn’t play favorites.
I should confess that a large part of any angst I might feel toward even visiting BYU — aside from the fact that more damned souls are found at the corner of Bulldog Boulevard and West Campus Drive than in the Hebrew underworld Sheol — is due to the fact that I once attended BYU as a student many years ago. How does a person decide to move to Provo and attend the University of Backup-in-Case-Guantanamo-Bay-is-Full only to later transfer to the U? Is there an “Aha!” moment for other north-bound transfer students (many of whom still suffer from Stockholm Syndrome)?
I’m assuming there are also reasons a student might transfer from that noble institute of education in Salt Lake City to that behemoth of backwardness in Provo. True, many of the students who transfer from BYU are willing to face Donner Party-esque challenges (hold the cholera, pass the dysentery) that will pepper their path to the U. Regardless, I’m willing to accept that there are reasons students might actually transfer from the U to BYU. In the spirit of being fair and balanced (replace “fair and balanced” with “unprejudiced and pragmatic” if threatened with a lawsuit), I figure there must be some motivation that drives some people to transfer the backward way.
The following are some of those reasons:
? Those curious about the doctrine of Satan’s plan in LDS theology — i.e. all decisions already made — can now actually experience such a plan at BYU.
? Speaking of having all decisions pre-made, attend BYU and receive a free lobotomy — but without the surgery.
? Iron-clad guarantee of marriage for all students — even for students who happen to be “gay,” “already married” or “dead.”
? Automatic enrollment in Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign — no paperwork needed.
? College credit for religion classes at BYU is accepted at more than 2 percent of universities nationwide. That’s at least 2 above zero percent.
? The Princeton Review has given BYU the honor of being the nation’s “No. 1 stone-cold sober school” for several years in a row — a prestigious honor that helps BYU students when applying to schools such as BYU.
? BYU Events Staff patrol all school dances for free to prevent Honor Code violations which also cuts down on terrorist attacks.
? Apartments are checked for cleanliness at least twice a semester for those who miss “the way mother would make sure my room was clean” — and also for those who don’t.
? Single women no longer need to worry about dating theater students — the guesswork is completely removed, as gay people don’t actually exist.
? BYU’s neighbor to the west, Fat Cats, promises at least 12 or 13 minutes of bacchanallian fun.
? Bearded students who require a “beard card” for medical or non-LDS religious reasons might be ostracized — but at least they’ll have an extra card in their wallet, making them look super-rich.
? Those who’ve always believed that “God doesn’t love those who drink coffee” are in good company.
? BYU has been rated in the past for being a “good-value” school — perfect for those who apply the same adjectives to their college as they do to fast food.
As one can see, the reasons for transferring to BYU are large in number. There might be many people who, like me, have also made the migration north and transferred to the U. But we must remember to not be bitter toward those who choose to make a “backwards relocation,” a “regressive migration” or a “transfer from the U to BYU.” Although I might not possess even one unbiased bone in my body when it comes to BYU, I’m willing to accept the fact that some people might choose BYU instead of finer, more prestigious schools.
I just wish the rest of me would accept such reasons.