Nightlife
Whether it’s a succulent strawberry shake from the Malte Shoppe or a pint from The Pie, the nightlife comparison between Provo and Salt Lake City is no contest. Although it’s tremendously difficult to turn down flag football, night games, Monopoly or even knocking a few pins down at Fat Cats, the nightlife scene in Happy Valley cannot compare to the assortment of clubs, bars and sporting events that dominate the Salt Lake scene. It comes down to whether you want to go to a Jazz game or drag Provo’s Main Street. Riiiggghhht.
Edge: Utah
Mascot
It’s Cosmo the Cougar against Swoop, the red-tailed hawk. Cosmo’s freakish athleticism gives him the upper hand. Many Ute fans have grown tired of seeing Swoop ride on a four-wheeler and violently nod his head back and forth, rather than wowing with stunts and getting the crowd pumped up. And besides, the school’s mascot is a Ute, not a bird.
Edge: BYU
Pro athletes
In football, the Y has Steve Young, Jim McMahon and Brady Poppinga, but the U has Luther Ellis, Steve Smith, Jamal Anderson and Mike Anderson. In basketball, BYU hasn’t produced much of anyone besides Danny Ainge and Shawn Bradley. Excuse us, it hasn’t produced much of anyone besides Danny Ainge. Meanwhile, the U has birthed the likes of Andre Miller, Keith Van Horn and Andrew Bogut. Former U women’s basketball player Kim Smith is lighting it up in the WNBA, while former Y golfer Mike Weir is winning majors. Utah wins by a sliver thanks to sheer NFL numbers.
Edge: Utah
Campus atmosphere
U students might scoff at the rigid rules in BYU’s little world within a world, but have you seen its bookstore? It’s like a shopping mall, and it has twice the number of cool things to tempt your wallet. Also, BYU’s campus is quieter on the outside than the U’s Marriot Library is on the inside. Utah gets the edge on natural scenery, the fact that you can legally ride a skateboard almost anywhere, the existence of a free-speech area and the fact that there are outdoor concerts at least twice each year.
Edge: Utah
Jibing
With more of the English language to choose from, it seems like Utah should win this contest hands down. Not so. Provo’s limits become its strengths through mandated creativity.
Joke for Utes:
Q: “Why can’t they have a nativity scene at the University of Utah?”
A: They can’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Joke for Cougars:
Q: “Why is BYU considering fitting Cougar Stadium with artificial turf instead of grass?”
A: “So the cheerleaders will stop grazing.”
Edge: Even
Girls
There are quite a few stereotypes that can be thrown out the window right off the bat. No, not every woman who goes to BYU is a prude. No, not every woman who goes to the U is easy. Overall, U women tend to be more open-minded in relationships and don’t necessarily want marriage after a month of dating, as opposed to many of their counterparts at BYU. But there’s something wildly intriguing about a woman who doesn’t even need to wear form-fitting clothing to be attractive.
Edge: BYU
Guys
BYU guys are clean-cut. Utah guys at least make an attempt to diversify their appearance with clothing and (gasp!) facial hair. The female constituents of our committee agreed that it’s nice to see something other than a pair of khakis, a polo shirt, Doc Marten sandals and parted hair-dos.
Edge: Utah
Fans
Sure, the U has the MUSS. But BYU has, well, just a lot of rabid, screaming students with painted-blue faces who manage to fill a third of a 65,000-seat stadium. Anyone with tickets in the student sections of Lavell Edwards Stadium can count on standing for three or four hours. Cougar fans also manage to fill up every other sporting event on campus — from basketball to volleyball to Ping-Pong. (There’s nothing else to do in Provo.)
Edge: BYU