Chocolate? Check. Flowers? Check. Bottle of wine? Check. Romantic movie? Check. Dinner reservations? Check. I’m all ready for the evening!
Hold on. Wait just a red-hot, heart-shaped minute. What’s this I’m told? Valentine’s Day isn’t a day to appreciate oneself, but rather a holiday to be shared with another person? How frustrating — now I have to make a new list.
Zoloft? Check. Paxil? Check. Celexa? Check. Serlift? Check. Prozac? Check. Fontex? Check. I’m all ready for the evening!
I realize that it’s not a novel thing to say that one hates Valentine’s Day. Nearly everyone says it. The act of hating Valentine’s Day has become such a hip pastime that celebrities are starting to do it, simply so that average Americans might buy cheaper knock-off versions. “Did you hear that Jennifer Aniston hates Valentine’s Day? I hate Valentine’s Day, too — and it only cost me half the price!” Too bad the stitching’s already coming out.
Cliché or not, I’ve never been a fan of the holiday. I hate Valentine’s Day more than Mel Gibson hates the Jews. I hate Valentine’s Day more than Bill Maher hates anti-marijuana legislation. I hate Valentine’s Day more than Hollywood loves Jews and marijuana. Why has such disdain come over something as benign as an overcommercialized holiday steeped in obligation? As the character Joel put it succinctly in the film “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” “Today (Valentine’s Day) is a holiday invented by greeting-card companies to make people feel like crap.”
Although I believe that other “holidays” such as Secretary’s Day (April 23), Sweetest Day (Oct. 18), Children’s Day (June 8), Boss’s Day (Oct. 16), Friendship Day (Aug. 3) and Mystery Day (?) are pointless excuses for greeting card companies to make more money, I believe that no holiday has been more bastardized than Valentine’s Day. The origins of Valentine’s Day go back several centuries to ancient winter fertility festivals, and the earliest record of American Valentine’s goes back to 1847 to Worcester, Mass. Considering that the modern Valentine’s Day has since become so commercialized and convoluted, I would imagine that even Hallmark founder J. C. Hall would be embarrassed. It appears as though the true meaning of Valentine’s Day has been lost on the average consumer. Might it be time for us to remember the origins of Valentine’s Day once more? Out with the chocolates, and cards and flowers and in with the ancient winter fertility festivals?
Simply put, we need less commercialized romance and more winter fertilizing.
Why do we subject ourselves to this pressure and eventual disillusionment? For those who actually have someone to love — shouldn’t they demonstrate that love all year long? For those who don’t have someone to love — do they need to be reminded of this? Everyone is allowed to have his or her own holiday — as well, everyone is allowed to opt out if one chooses. Christians have Christmas. Jews have Hanukkah. African-Americans have Kwanzaa. Alcoholics have New Year’s Eve. We have no problem making exceptions at other times of the year. Why is this different — why is it mandatory that everybody love somebody?
Perhaps that is what’s ultimately the most frustrating about Valentine’s Day — nearly everyone assumes that everyone wants to celebrate it. What a peculiar assumption. If society (and by society, I mean Hallmark) is going to demand that we continue to celebrate Valentine’s Day year after year, is it too much to ask that legislation be passed that Singles Awareness Day also be made an official holiday? I figure it must be possible, as weirder things have happened in Washington — not the least of which is Carol Channing’s name appearing on Nixon’s enemy list.
Although more and more people feel increasingly pressured to not be alone on Valentine’s Day, people are doing just that — being alone. I recently learned that in addition to Singles Awareness Day, there also exists a movement known as “International Quirkyalone Day.” According to their website, “quirkyalone” describes a person who not only takes no issue with being single, but actually embraces the idea. It’s really not that foreign of a concept, though, as many famous people have chosen to be single, including Paula Poundstone, Oprah, Ralph Nader, Morrissey and Ally McBeal. While not necessarily the best examples, one can also take comfort in the fact that misery enjoys being alone.
Except even misery…loves…company…so never mind.
Valentine’s Day has arrived. Break out the Ben & Jerry’s. Turn on “Sleepless In Seattle.” Put on the pajamas. Overload on anti-depressants. Fall asleep by 9 p.m. And most important of all on this magical Valentine’s Day, don’t forget who else is single.
Cupid.
Maybe I’ll ask him if he’d like to split my Zoloft.
Editor’s Note: This column was first published on www.edgeboston.com on Feb. 10.
