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Michael Young’s mansion actually parents’ basement

In what members of the administration called “a complete invasion of privacy,” The Daily Utah Chronicle discovered that U President Michael Young’s mansion is actually his parents’ basement. Young has lived in the same basement room, nestled in his parents’ three-bedroom Avenues house, since high school. The small space is covered with U football posters, scattered laundry, empty beer bottles and a calendar of “hot babes at Research Park.” Although his salary can afford him a decent mansion, Young said he prefers to live at home because of “the home-cooked meals, the free laundry and I love my mommy.”

Young’s wife and children live in a mansion next to campus and refuse to live with Young because of the poor living conditions. Young’s wife declined to comment.

U frat member first ever to win game of beer pong

A sober frat member of Alpha Chi Omega was the first person to ever win a game of beer pong in known history. The game, which is played with a ping-pong table, cups, beer and a ping-pong ball, usually ends when the final two to four drunken players give up or pass out completely.

However, Ryan Jacobs, a senior in communication, focused on staying sober for the entire night and beat all of his drunken opponents.

“It felt good, you know-actually winning something for once,” Jacobs said after the party Saturday night. “I don’t know if this actually accomplished anything, though.”

Jacobs beat his final opponent 13-6, although no one is really sure how the scoring works on beer pong. To celebrate, Jacobs got completely plastered with his buddies.

Students allegedly counterfeit Blue Books

Professors at the U and administrators at the University Campus Store are warning students against several suspects who are allegedly counterfeiting testing materials and reselling them to people across campus.

Police said a group of suspects have been selling thinner, cheaper versions of the 25 cent notebooks commonly used for finals at the U. The group has been counterfeiting the Blue Books-a booklet consisting of 10 pages stapled together-by stapling their own 10 pages together and adding a baby blue cover of construction paper.

The counterfeiters have been selling fake Blue Books for 4 cents, which is what 10 pages of paper and a page of construction paper actually cost. Campus Store administrators said the criminal activity has lost the store $5 worth of annual profits.

Warning: This article should only be read in the context of April Fool’s Day.

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