Chronicle’s view: Men not menses

By and

Although The Chronicle usually maintains a progressive stance on the rights of the modern woman, we have come to the resounding conclusion that, for the safety of the students enrolled here, the U should become a male-only institution.

Recent research done by a panel of scientists on a variety of local wildlife has shown that not only are the menstrual cycles of women on campus attracting animals to the school, but, given the concentrated number of women now attending the U, the menses are also causing animals to develop a more aggressive reaction to encounters with humans.

At some point, we as a student body need to do what’s best for all students — even if that means getting rid of more than half the student body.

Although some would argue against this move, suggesting it’s chauvinistic and unconstitutional to force women out of a state-funded institution, consider the research.

According to campus officials, the U is experiencing an exodus of deer, snakes and wildcats moving from the foothills to the campus. Also, a number of unexpected and non-indigenous animals have started nesting on campus. Although researchers can’t explain it, sightings of wombats, boars, Greg Stillmans, tarantulas, pumas, beavers, John Bowerses and butterflies have also been reported. Employees at the Hogle Zoo have contacted U administrators because of problems they’ve had with animals trying to escape their cages and have reported at least one female zookeeper missing in the past week.

Researchers have tested some of these animals and, after exposure to a woman being visited by aunt Flow, the animals practically go insane trying to mar and/or kill anything in sight.

Meanwhile, people on campus have reported being stalked by deer while walking from class to class. Researchers say it’s only a matter of time till stalking becomes antler-stabbing and feasting for all.

We’ve run it over and over in our heads, and the only solution The Chronicle can see — outside of building a replica of the Berlin Wall around our campus — is to pack up all the women and their feminine aides and ship them to the school down south or, for those without the gift of intellect, to Wendover to work in brothels.

We’ve already fired all female staff members as a gesture of our commitment to keeping our campus safe from wildlife attacks. Normally our former opinion editor — a woman — wrote these house editorials, but we’ve discovered that a dictation monkey can write them just as well as she could.

People across the campus can surely find solutions to the absence of women just as easily as we did. Robots can replace librarians, and elderly women who have passed through menopause can do everything else.

Join us at The Manly Daily Utah Chronicle in ensuring the safety of people on our campus by kicking out your female roommates, firing your female employees, failing your female students and intimidating them into vacating the area — that is, unless you want to be marred to death by a boar or Greg Stillmann’s hair.

Warning: This article should only be read in the context of April Fool’s Day.