By Papal Sac-Siphon

During a press conference Saturday, School of Medicine Dean A. Lorris Betz announced he would give nearly half his salary back to the U to help boost its struggling reputation as a party school.

“We’ve done a number of studies this year, and my staff has come to the conclusion that the U needs serious help getting ‘crunk,'” Betz said.

“Crunk” is a mix of the words crazy and drunk. Betz said he invented the word as a student during long nights at the University of Wisconsin.

“There wasn’t much to do in Wisconsin during the winter,” Betz said. “My fraternity brothers and I used to spend cold nights getting totally wasted. Believe me, Badgers know how to drink.”

Betz followed this statement by crossing his middle and ring fingers and raising his hands, effectively making two W’s at the podium.

Betz began his tenure at the U a decade ago. His current salary is $735,000 a year with a retirement stipend of $193,000. He plans to return to his original salary of $370,000 and hopes the rest will be used to bring the U’s underground party scene into the mainstream.

“We may not be UC Santa Barbara, but we have a solid base of binge drinkers that the U can build on,” Betz said.

If anyone can turn around the poor reputation of the U, it’s Betz. The University Hospital was losing $6 million annually five years ago and is now generating about $30 million a year in net assets.

“Just as I’ve helped to make the U a leader in the medical field, I believe that with some diligence we can turn around the puritan nature of the school and start to totally kick ass,” Betz said.

The announcement came as a surprise to administrators. Previous research found that schools with wild reputations have a higher amount of incidences involving alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual assault and fatal accidents.

“I think he’s having a three-quarter-life crisis,” said one administrator, who preferred to remain anonymous.

Betz disagrees.

“We were doing this one study where I stood on my hands and put a keg tube in my mouth,” he said. “I lasted, like, 12 seconds before the beer got all up in my beard. It was a sweet study.”

Betz said he hopes the additional $365,000 he is giving back will be used on ping-pong tables and party balls, as well as financial aid for late-night visits to Beto’s.

“Have you ever had one of those breakfast burritos?” Betz asked those attending the conference. “They are seriously freaking huge.”

Betz will also turn his mansion on Penrose Avenue into a fraternity, with Dave Pershing, vice president for Academic Affairs, taking the role of fraternity president.

“D-Persh is a serious booze hound,” Betz said. “During this one study, he totally tagged along and was like, hitting on tons of girls who were there with other guys. We sent him out to get some more beer, and he came back dragging a f***ing park bench. I kid you not.”

Betz released a 150-page study after the press conference that showed a number of significant findings. Among them was a report of a low level of inhibition among drunken fraternity men and an uncomfortable amount of hugging and ass-patting between them.

Also of note was a report showing that Vice President of Budget and Planning Paul Brinkman, or “Brinky Dink,” prefers to sober up by lying in the street while singing a long version of “All That Jazz” from the musical “Chicago.”

Warning: This article should only be read in the context of April Fool’s Day.

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Tommi Kelkins

Lorris Betz wants U to more closely resemble alma mater Wisconsin-Madison.