Nine of 10 U students cannot tell the difference between “regular” members of the LDS Church (if there is such a thing) and their pioneer-gear-wearin’ brethren to the south, according to a new study released by the department of political science.
Representatives of the LDS Institute at the U are baffled by the study’s claim that most U students cannot distinguish between mainstream Mormons and fundamentalist Mormons.
“It’s not that hard — even if you don’t want to get into the theological distinctions between the two, you’ve still got polygamists and non-polygamists,” said Max Jensen, a long-time instructor at the LDS Institute. “It’s the easiest thing in the world to figure out.”
Students at the U do not agree. Some have suggested that television programming such as HBO’s “Big Love” contributes to the confusion. However, the general feeling of most U students is that the distinction is negligible and not worth worrying about.
“I mean, it’s not like we’re talking about feather-Indians and dot-Indians here — that’s a distinction I know how to make,” said Daniel Reese, a sophomore in biology. “This is one stupid letter we’re talking about — with an F or without.”
Carrie Lewis, an undeclared freshman, agrees.
“I’ve never understood the difference between Greek Orthodox and Catholic, and I don’t feel like I’m any worse off,” she said. “Why would being able to tell the difference between Mormons and Mormons be important? They all agree some dude saw an angel, and that’s that.”
Martina Eldredge, author of Why Religious People Can Be Blamed for Everything, said she isn’t surprised by the study. However, she is concerned that more Americans are not wary of all Mormon populations — mainstream, fundamental and jack — living in America.
“Radical, violent Mormonism is one of the great dangers facing American society today,” Eldredge said. “True, many Mormons are not baby-killers, but you have to look at the numbers. There are 6 million Mormons in America, and at least 500 of them have committed horrendous crimes as a result of their faith.”
Presidential candidate John McCain was asked about his thoughts on the study at a recent campaign stop. “I share Dr. Eldredge’s concern about Momo-fascism in America. This is why we cannot allow Thomas S. Monson’s stronghold in Colorado City to become any more isolationist.”
Fortunately, Sen. Orrin Hatch stepped in and corrected McCain’s mistake. McCain then clarified.
“Of course, I did not mean to suggest Thomas S. Monson is the leader of Mormons in Colorado City,” McCain said. “He’s the leader of the other Mormons.”
When questioned, former presidential candidate Mitt Romney rolled his eyes at McCain’s comments.
“Wow, does that guy sound like a jackass or what?” he said.
Warning: This article should only be read in the context of April Fool’s Day.