Horoscopes (4/3-4/9)

By By Gabi and By Gabi

By Gabi

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You are no stranger to being told you have a “big heart.” This week, however, imagine your cardiologist is telling you this. Suddenly, it’s less of a Hallmark moment and more of a something-that-would-get-you-dropped-off-your-insurance-policy moment. This week, Aries, be wary of your capacity to care — just look at what happened to all those pastel bears.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

During the darkest days of the bubonic plague, some people managed to survive the disease. Often, they were adulterers and prostitutes. This led many to question why these apparent sinners would be spared from decimation. Looking back, we learn that the earliest stages of the disease caused boils to surface on areas such as the groin. If these boils could be popped early on, the disease was prevented from progressing. It seems those adulterers and prostitutes had found a way to lance the boils and still have fun. Taurus, as unpleasantries surface this week, thrust them out the best you can.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

If your social standing were a crystal, this week it would be like that awkward lump of sugar and food coloring I tried to grow in the second grade: Despite your best efforts, you’re having a hard time making new friends. I suggest you wait it out, and in time your awkward lump will grow into a gem of popularity. Or you can just steal that girl Margaret’s crystal — she’s too shy to say anything.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

The inner-workings of an authentic Spanish-language soap opera, or “telenovela,” is truly an art form. The sheer number of gasps, thick and richly cultivated moustaches and maids who are chased about is astonishing. I suggest you take a page, or “pagina,” out of the telenovelas and indulge in your emotions this week, or “semana.” It will be good for you. (Take that for subtle language integration “Dora the Explorer”!)

Leo (July 23-August 22)

We have all heard our fair share of Helen Keller jokes, all of which make us feel simultaneously worse and better about ourselves. This week, I suggest you seek out a particularly distasteful joke and use it as your mantra. Why? For one, I don’t want to be the only person telling inappropriate jokes at social events. But mainly, avoid these jokes because it will help you better understand your need to stop stumbling blindly through life. Now show me you understand…good, Helen, good.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Have you ever encountered one of those people who, no matter what you say, has to argue with you? Well, instead of marrying them, as half the population has elected to do, I suggest you simply seek them out for a formal debate. This week your mind could do with an intellectual sharpening, and a healthy battle of wits is just what you need. Should you reach an impasse, look to the problem solving foundation of our nation, the rock, paper, scissors system.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Your romantic prospects promise to warm up this week. Whether it be the spring weather, cozy-ing up by a fire or just the excitement that exists between two people in love, the heat is on. In the event the heat is not on, you can always purchase “the heat” in the form of warming sensation personal lubricant. (Though sadly, Western Family has yet to make a generic-brand equivalent?) Is it romantic? No. But the 73-year-old man who shops at my grocery store swears by it. (Insert the sound of the last lingering threads of my libido leaving me.)

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

I have never professed myself to be a particularly gifted artist, but when it comes to the Magna-Doodle, I am a miracle worker. (No, Helen, I wasn’t talking to you. Now go finish your vegetables.) The Magna-Doodle works on the principles of attraction. Little magnetic particles are drawn to the surface of the doodling pad by the metal tip of the drawing pen. (They should have put that in the commercial, right?) At any rate, should you feel the pull of your particles to the metal tip of another human being this week, don’t be afraid to see where it might take you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

We’ve all had a traumatic amusement park experience, it’s a natural step toward adulthood. My particular experience took place at Lagoon. It didn’t involve an undercooked churro, or even an overly-eager, uni-browed seat belt checker. No, my experience took place at the water park. I was 6, and being separated from my friend on the floating river, I struggled to swim against the current to find her. It was exhausting and I swallowed a Band-Aid. Learn from my experience. This week, just go with the flow?and wear sun screen.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Do you remember how exciting it was to receive a note from a friend in class? (Check “Yes” or “No.”) Someone around you is feeling down this week, and an unexpected correspondence from you is just what they need. So, bust out your “Gelly Rolls” and get folding those notes like a Japanese school girl with 10 minutes to kill.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

You have a calling to be somehow socially useful to those less fortunate than yourself this week. (There’s yet another Helen Keller joke in there, but I’ll let you work out the particulars.) I suggest you look up an obscure charitable organization and devote your time to its cause. I’ll never forget the hours I put into an oversized-dress collection for the transgendered manatees of the Everglades. Just because they’re endangered, doesn’t mean they can’t be fabulous.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

The most frustrating thing about Scrubbing Bubbles Tile and Bathtub Cleaner (and there are many frustrating things), is that they don’t actually come to life and do the cleaning for me. Instead of having a toilet bowl filled with industrious and adorable bubbles, I have a porcelain debacle filled with foam that makes my eyes water. To the manufacturers, I say your advertisements are misleading and, well, wishy-washy. I would say the same to you, Pisces. Stop lying and start scrubbing!

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