Satire: Finals causing more trouble than ever before

By Oliver Wickentower, Red Pulse Writer

Chairs went flying and drinks were hurled Wednesday as rival economics study groups clashed in the busy corridors of the Marriott Library. Students from the microeconomics study group apparently took issue with the macroeconomics group’s analysis of the Lucas critique and allegedly suggested the members “shove a Phillips curve up their ass.” After a short exchange of words, an all-out melee erupted, resulting in the hospitalization of one macroeconomics student.

“At least he’ll get his final delayed,” said Robert Baker, a junior in economics who was involved in the brawl.

Officials from the U Police Department refused to comment specifically on the matter but admitted there has been a recent spat of academic-related violent events on campus and in the dorms.

Last weekend, a student was arrested after being caught switching out study guides with fake ones in rival students’ dorm rooms. The student was found out after other people in his chemistry class became suspicious when the Lewis structures in their notes looked eerily similar to emoticons.

U Police are puzzled over the recent criminal behavior, but psychology professors have suggested it’s because they weren’t good enough to make SLCPD. They’ve suggested the behavior is because of a Molotov cocktail mix of a failing economy, uncertain futures and the usual teeth-grinding, hair-graying stress that comes with the approach of finals.

Students are desperate in a day and age where nothing is guaranteed and failure is almost certain.

Early Tuesday morning, a group of students tried to pull a Thích Quàng ?ú’c in the middle of the free speech area as students were coming to class.

“We will burn from the fire of a socialist Obama administration!” their leader shouted before they doused themselves with gasoline jars and lighting matches.

Their impassioned protest was cut to an anticlimactic halt when they suddenly realized their “gasoline” was actually tea. One of the protesters later admitted he mixed up his supplies with last week’s “tea party” event.

When asked if they were going to kill themselves later, the leader of the group replied, “No, we still have to study for finals,” before mumbling something about murdering children.

U Police have become so overwhelmed with these calls lately that they’ve brought in extra help from the various mall security firms around the valley. Given emergency badges and batons, the security guards/still-not-really-cops have been roaming the Union and dorm halls attempting to harass various individuals.

The results aren’t clear as to whether or not these new tactics are actually improving students’ abilities to study for finals peacefully. However, two of the new hires were taken off duty after being beaten mercilessly by Utah football players.

The situation has become so dire that U President Michael Young felt it necessary to make a statement. With outgoing ASUU President Patrick Reimherr planted firmly on his lap and nursing a lollipop, he declared, “Students of the U, calm the (expletive deleted) down. You can all get through finals like I did, with a fat spliff rolled at all times.”

He then cut the press conference short to resume telling Reimherr what a big boy he is.

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Editor’s Note8212;The above article is a satire and should in no way be taken seriously.