RE: You used to be cool

By God, As transcribed by Sara Copeland

Dear Michael,

It’s God8212;you know, Creator of the cosmos, Alpha and Omega, all that.

I wanted to thank you for the candor in your letter, but I’m amused by your lack of foresight. You want me to turn Kanye West into a pillar of salt, but he’s doing a much better job of destroying himself.

As for needy “believers” such as yourself, I would rather not have people who need everything pointed out for them. I gave you Arrested Development for three whole seasons8212;the number of days for the Resurrection, which was no coincidence8212;and you ignored it.

It’s all part of a plan, Michael, an intricate plan.

You see, the Old Testament miracles were just a warm-up for me. I’ve taken a break for a bit so I can build some anticipation. The Cinnabons, Firefly8212;those were just to keep me in shape. The real stuff is going to come after all you suckers quit believing. When I pull out a miracle 2,000 years in the making, it’s going to blow your mind. Literally. So I suggest hopping on the overeager Anglo-Saxon acoustic guitar wagon while you can.

Love always,