Hack, steal and mooch your way to financial security

By Justin Adams

College tuition can be pretty expensive, not to mention books, insurance, gas, entertainment and food. With so many expenses and so little time to make money, students sometimes have to get creative in order to make ends meet.

When it comes to innovative methods to save time and money, students need look no further than ‘life-hacks.’ These simple solutions to the everyday problems you never knew you had will save you money and leave you wondering how you ever survived without them.

Courtney Miffy, a freshman in marketology, said her life has changed dramatically since her discovery of the life-hack culture.

“My life used to be so complicated. I never realized how much money I was wasting by doing things the old-fashioned way,” Miffy said. “One day I noticed how much I was paying for utilities, so I decided to cut back how much water I use. So instead of washing my dirty dishes in the kitchen sink, I throw them all in the bathtub, then clean them during my weekly bath. I’ve cut my water bill in half, and I don’t need to buy expensive body wash anymore because the dish soap does the job.”

For those who are still finding it difficult to get by, petty theft may be for them. It’s a quick and easy way to make a few extra bucks, assuming you don’t get caught, of course.

Jefferson Hutchins, a junior in strategic boardgaming, has been paying his tuition with money acquired from his long string of thefts.

“It all started during my freshman year,” Hutchins said. “I would unwind whole rolls of toilet paper in the campus bathrooms and take them home to use. After that it was much easier to move on to bigger things. I noticed that some students would leave their laptops on a table in the library when they would go to the bathroom. The next day their laptop would be for sale on Craig’s List.”

Hutchins says he may or may not be planning the biggest heist of his career: walking out of the Marriott Library carrying one of those comfy, thousand-dollar womb chairs.

“I’m working on the details,” he said. “I may need a team to pull this one off, so if anyone wants to split a grand, just get in contact with me.”

Of course, there is one timeless skill practiced by all those who seek to save their money: mooching. It’s the subtle art of getting your friends to keep you alive.

“The most important thing is to be popular,” said U student and professional moocher Hanna Forbinger. “If you have lots of friends, you’ll never have to buy yourself anything. Hungry? Go to your friend’s apartment and eat their food. If they want to go out to eat, make sure to ‘forget’ your wallet at home. Promise your friend you’ll pay them back because we all know how that works out.”

So whether it’s hacking, stealing or mild extortion, there are many creative ways for students at the U to save money and balance their budget.

This content is intended as fictionalized, satirical work. Events and ideas presented in this piece should be viewed as fictional.

[email protected]