U pays Kanye West $10 million to headline cancer awareness concert

By Justin Adams

Thanks to an extremely successful fundraising drive, students at the U hope to increase awareness of the deadly sickness known as cancer.

The fundraising drive, which has been going strong for several months, has accumulated an astonishing $10 million. The money was raised in various ways, from car washes to auctioning off furniture from the Marriott Library. The efforts were met with enthusiasm from all students.

Janey Jameson, a sophomore in communications, said the low cost of attending college frees her up to donate her extra money to charities and fundraisers.

“After I’ve paid for my tuition and books, I have so much money left over that I don’t know what to do with it,” Jameson said. “It’s nice that I can make a difference.”

A committee charged with deciding the most effective way to spend the money has chosen to fund a Cancer Awareness Concert. Committee co-chair Johnson O’Shanason stressed the importance of cancer awareness.

“I don’t think many people really know about cancer,” O’Shanason said at a press conference last week. “Kids these days think cancer is just a good storyline to sell young adult novels like The Fault in Our Stars.”

Many artists were considered by the committee to headline the event, but the lucky man to win the gig is none other than Mr. Kanye West. The Grammy Award-winning artist has accepted the U’s offer, but only under the condition that he is paid the full $10 million for playing the concert.

“I’m glad to be goin’ to the University of Utah and doin’ a Cancer Awareness Concert,” West said. “But I’m the greatest artist of all time, and my services can’t be bought for no less than $10 million.”

Some have criticized the U for spending $10 million on a concert, rather than investing directly in cancer research or giving financial assistance to families suffering from cancer. However, the Huntsman Cancer Institute has spoken up in support of the U’s decision.

“We are proud to be partnering with the University of Utah in organizing this Cancer Awareness Concert,” a representative of the Institute said. “We receive substantial monetary donations so often that it’s not very exciting anymore. A Kanye West concert on a hip college campus, on the other hand, is exactly what we need to put a dent in cancer.”

There are several positions and internships available for those who wish to contribute to the success of the concert, the most important of which is Social Media Coordinator, because nothing boosts awareness like a catchy social media hashtag.

The U will be selling tickets for the Feb. 30 concert for one dollar each. Those proceeds, expected to come to between $5 and $10 thousand, will be going directly to the Huntsman Cancer Institute — after they are used to cover West’s food and travel expenses.

This content is intended as fictionalized, satirical work. Events and ideas presented in this piece should be viewed as fictional.

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