Utah to Adopt the Guillotine as Method of Execution

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By Justin Adams

Executions in Utah will soon be performed by guillotine.

On Tuesday, the Utah State Legislature voted to adopt the guillotine as the state’s preferred method of execution. The legislature was initially debating the question of reinstating the firing squad, when a motion was made to go with the infamous symbol of the French Revolution instead.

The change was brought about after Rep. Flipper Johnson (R-Gunnery), gave a stirring speech in the House of Representatives about how a shooting squad isn’t a sufficiently violent way for the state to execute someone.

“I mean to put the fear of God into the souls of these potential criminals here in Utah, and a firing squad just won’t cut it,” Johnson said. “These days any criminal can get gunned down by officers in the street, so that’s not special anymore. We’ve got to go above and beyond for state-sanctioned executions.”

Rep. Johnson also argued for an amendment to hold the executions on the front lawn of the State Capital, so that “all the valley could see what happens to law-breakers.” That measure failed to pass, as the majority of the Legislature, although they are fine with the idea of execution, curiously don’t want to see it in action for themselves.

Questions still remain, such as who will construct the guillotine. Granite School District has made an offer for the job and has revealed plans to introduce a Guillotine Contest among its high school’s woodshop classes. Parents within the district are thrilled that their children may have the chance to build a structure that will administer executions. Molly Flatchley, whose son attends Olympus High School, said she was excited at the prospect.

“It’s important that students understand the criminal justice system, so what better way for them to learn than to have them build this instrument of justice?” Flatchley said.

The proposal has drawn praise from Gov. Gary Herbert, who has noted how much money will be saved by adopting the guillotine. In a press release from his office, the Governor endorsed the proposal, stating that “this state has to balance its budget, and if we can do so by discarding human life in the cheapest way possible, then that’s what we’re going to do.”

The only opponent to the bill was the National Rifle Association. NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre even visited Salt Lake to lead the opposition. He argues that an execution is a job for American guns and that “once again, foreign methods of execution are coming to steal our American jobs and do them for half the price.” To show his opposition to the French, he even threatened to change his last name from ‘LaPierre’ to ‘ThePeter.’

Assuming that the bill passes the State Senate and is signed by Gov. Herbert, we can expect Utah’s reign of terror to begin sometime this summer.

This content is intended as fictionalized, satirical work. Events and ideas presented in this piece should be viewed as fictional.

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