If a baseball fan is going to go to any Major or Minor League game, they need to do it right and order the most insane-sounding thing on the menu. Why? Because why not, and if they don’t they’ll have to resort to watching someone else eating that delicious concoction with their mouths wide open, drooling all over themselves. Ballpark food may be pricey, but everything is expensive at professional sporting events, so just get over it. Buy it and enjoy food heaven.
I’ll start with the “Churro Dog.” Hot dogs are a staple of all ballparks, and the Diamondbacks have taken that initial idea and created a masterpiece. The churro replaces the hot dog, a chocolate-glazed donut replaces the bun, and then there’s vanilla frozen yogurt poured gently on the churro, with caramel and chocolate sauces drizzled over it. The only thing that could make this better is real ice cream, and since it’s already over 1,000 calories, why does it matter to add the somewhat “healthy” option? There’s still time to correct this mistake — come on, Diamondbacks, make it happen.
To take a break from the sweets, there’s a “Hangover Burger” at Target Field. It’s certainly not the average burger, with two quarter-pound patties that contain beef and bacon, topped with the basic lettuce, onions, American cheese and sauce — which is made from sriracha, ketchup and cornichons — and mayo. Oh, and don’t forget the fried egg. It was only sold for the All-Star game when the Twins hosted but should definitely be brought back.
Mixing sweet and savory might be a risk, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take when it comes to “The Funnel Dog,” sold at Arvest Ballpark in Arkansas. It sounds exactly how it looks. It’s a hot dog inside a funnel cake, so basically a glorified (not to mention ridiculously awesome) corn dog.
Now for burgers and funnel cakes. “The Mother Funnel Burger” created by the wonderful people at the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers home park is a bacon cheeseburger between two funnel cakes — what more could a person want?
Everything’s bigger in Texas, and apparently so are quesadillas at Rangers Ballpark. It’s called the “Murph-a-dilla,” after outfielder David Murphy, and it’s a beef brisket quesadilla, 24-inches long. If that isn’t good enough, it sits on a pile of Doritos. They also serve a “Fried Sm’Oreo” — a deep-fried graham cracker-crusted marshmallow, in the middle of two deep fried oreos.
Everyone likes breakfast foods (or, at least, they should), so “The Hammer” at Turner Field should win anyone over. Waffles are used instead of regular buns or bread, and on the inside is fried chicken, bacon, pepper jack cheese and pecan maple mayo. Again, the sweet and savory thing is odd, but I have nothing to lose.
Grilled cheeses are so simple, yet they can be a tricky thing to perfect, and the Pirates seem to have a found an answer with “The Closer.” It’s filled with nine cheeses, four pieces of sourdough bread and, of course, bacon because bacon really can fix everything.
I could go on and on about baseball park food I want to try, but it’s making me hungry and sad that I probably can’t try any of these, so I’m going to stop. Also, why would I play $20 for a Little Caeser’s pizza (this is true, I witnessed it at Comerica Park in Detroit), when I can eat something truly unique?
@kbrenneisen